


killing me to love you

by mytsukkishine



Category: Naruto
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Anbu Hatake Kakashi, Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Compliant, Denial of Feelings, Hatake Kakashi is Not Okay, KakaIru Mini Bang 2020, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-10
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-03 23:14:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 35,058
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24643885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mytsukkishine/pseuds/mytsukkishine
Summary: Hound believed that once he got past every emotional pain, he would be invincible. And he did, he had to learn it through the hard way though, but the price was like immortality that can’t be removed.Until he found his soulmate unexpectedly.Conflicted and confused with oneself, this was how Kakashi tried to understand the real purpose of having a soulmate.SOULMATE AU in which you cannot feel physical pain until you touch your soulmate.
Relationships: Hatake Kakashi/Umino Iruka
Comments: 43
Kudos: 248
Collections: KakaIru Mini Bang 2020





	1. left out in the cold

**Author's Note:**

> henloo ( ﾟ▽ﾟ)/  
> first time to join any events regarding kakairu, hope I won't disappoint ya'll.  
> this might be angsty at first but we'll see  
> please do enjoy and tell me what you think~  
> thank you and love lotssss  
> ((pls excuse wrong grammars or spelling errors, thank u))  
>  ** ~~re-uploaded~~**
> 
>   
> heyoo shoutout to IonFusion for influencing me to join and write this story~ check them out!! thank u <3 

_Your body is broken but you’re trying to fight this  
your arms are weary but you’re trying to hide this_

Breathing in deeply, ANBU Hound looked over at the wrecked village before him. It was a kind of sight he never knew he would be able to see again after the horrendous attack from the nine tails. But here it was, once again invaded by power-hungry people.

After Konoha had lost their Fourth Hokage and other important people, Hound had sworn to himself that, as a shinobi, he’ll do everything he can so history won’t repeat itself.

However, having been gone from a month-long mission along with some of his ANBU comrades, they hadn't had any clue that Konoha needed them, and it resulted in them coming home with this view. A few houses were burning, people who were left on the street ushered the weak to go to the emergency shelter, and the Hokage commanding every ANBU to report to him.

“Senpai,” Hound turned his head and saw one of his ANBU comrades, a healer. She gently scooted closer to Hound and pointed at a big gash on his shoulder located right under his tattoo.

“May I?” She requested, hand already up and glowing with a bright green chakra.

Hound stayed still for a moment, cursing internally for not noticing blood was dripping down his arms. Silently, and graciously, she hovered her hand over his wound.

As the warm chakra glowed in the dark, Hound wanted to get it over with but he knew if he injured himself further, he might not be able to move properly. He also noticed that he had another bad wound on his leg.

“Sometimes it’s a curse,” The female ANBU started once she was done closing up the slash on his arm. Trails of already drying blood remained on his pale skin, but Hound couldn’t care less. He had been in the worst situation before and blood droplets were a common thing for ANBUs.

“Not to be able to feel pain, not knowing you’re bleeding, and that you might die without knowing where it is,” She continued on with a soft voice, her hand now on his leg with the same green chakra healing his broken skin and bones. “Do you wish to feel pain?”

“Get this over with, please.” Hound said through gritted teeth, not really in the mood to talk about bullshit stuff. Konoha needed him and this healing thing was keeping him from saving anyone.

She didn't continue anymore, and Hound couldn’t be any gladder at the deafening silence they had. A building from afar suddenly collapse and the chakra on his leg intensified.

After a few second, Hound sensed a chakra coming his way, so he glanced down and saw an ANBU looking up at them, he gave a slight nod and the other signaled him that the situation of the anonymous invasion had been controlled.

The problem was solved but Konoha still needed saving.

“Okay, I’m done.”

“This isn’t a curse,” Hound suddenly blurted out, standing rather quickly, not noticing how his leg looked so fucked up that if someone saw it, they would freak out and cringe in pain. But not him. There wasn’t any pain. His leg felt like it was shot with a dozen milligrams of anesthetic.

Numb.

Like how Kakashi wanted it to be. How it should be.

“In fact, this is a blessing,”

“Ah, yes. Cause we’re ANBU?”

“Pain is only a hindrance,” Hound adjusted his leg, face remained expressionless under his mask as he moved his leg to the right. The sound of bones chirping with one another resounded through. When he was able to move his leg with ease, he patted the bandage she wrapped around and gave one last nod to the female ANBU before flickering away towards his messy home.

Groans and whine were heard once he had reached a fallen house. He located any signs of civilian or trapped shinobis, and quickly helped those in need, careful not to make any skin contact.

Careful not to meet his fated one.

Hound believed that once he got past every emotional pain, he would be invincible. And he did. He learned it through the hard way though, but the price was like immortality that can’t be removed.

_Until…_

It started when he was young, too young to even remember without his _father_ telling him. Hound had managed to rummage through his father’s stuff and accidentally sliced his palm with the edge of a very sharp kunai. Thick, red liquid fell down from his hand as he tried to catch it, afraid it would stain the tatami below.

His skin broken in half but he felt nothing. No whines, no cries from him.

Until his father entered the room, found him staring at the puddle of blood in his hands.

Needless to say, he spent an hour at the hospital with his father reprimanding him.

The second time Hound saw blood was when his father died. Lifeless on the floor, swimming in his own blood and misery. It must’ve hurt, he thought, eyeing how the kunai was buried deeply in his dad’s middle.

Hurt.

Hound wondered what does that feel. Having thrown so many shurikens, avoided jutsus that could do a lot of damage, getting bruised either by a punch or falling down from somewhere up high. He felt nothing. It’s like his body was made out of the thickest steel on earth. 

Each open wounds weren’t even enough to make him flinch.

But it sure stung in the chest when he was carried away from his unconscious father.

Hound snapped his head back once he heard a kid crying for help. He created a quick water jutsu to put out the raging fire and rapidly heaved the fallen debris on the kid’s leg. He was crying, a stream of fat tears fell down those glassy eyes and snotty nose.

It made him remember a certain teammate of his when he was a genin.

Joining a genin team was kind of annoying at first, considering that one of his teammates was Obito. He was a cry baby, frequently gave lame excuses when late, and always, _always_ , had ‘dust’ in his eyes when the truth was he’s pretty much in pain.

There was that time Obito cried when they were required to spar in front of the class. He had beaten him, didn’t feel any single pain as he watched Obito clutch on his arm. He didn’t hit that hard, but after class, his teacher told him to apologize to Obito.

He doesn’t get why he should. He didn’t mean it, maybe Obito was just too much of a baby and can’t take a simple punch on the shoulders.

But later on, he learned, Obito had found his soulmate and was still adjusting from feeling pain for the first time.

As soon as he heard those words, he ran up to the only adult he knew would answer him properly. Kushina, ever so beautiful, smiled down at him. “Soulmates are two people destined together, and we live in a world where when you find your own soulmate, you would be able to feel pain for the first time,”

“That sucks,”

Kushina chuckled at his answer and proceeded to explain more about pain and soulmates.

That was the day Hound knew he hated the idea of soulmates. Wasn’t being hurt emotionally enough? But to also feel physical pain? Kind of pathetic. Willing to find one person just to feel pain.

Soulmates were just a silly thing and an obstruction in becoming a fine shinobi.

They were Konoha’s ninjas. They don’t have any time for pathetic feelings and pain.

The third time Hound saw blood was when Obito was clutching lifelessly at his soulmate's hand.

The soulmates, both looking so pathetically in love, sad, broken—Hound clutched his wounded left eye, felt nothing from the pressure his palm had applied on it. But Obito’s tears continued to fall as the rock pressed more onto his bones. Crushing every bit of life, clinging with every breath.

When Obito gave him his Sharingan, Kakashi felt more unshakable for no pain was present as he used it as if it was his own.

Until his very hand plunged deep into Obito’s soulmate, felt her heart in his grip, felt all the blood escaping her system as she smiled softly at him. Silently thanking him for ending her pain and that she would be able to see Obito again.

The soulmates would be together _again._

Hound didn’t felt any pain but it sure does feel like he died on the spot. That instead of her heart he just ripped out, it was his. Bleeding apologies for both of his friends that was succumbed to love and pain. His friends he had failed to protect.

Hound adjusted his mask, thanking the chunin who had helped him escort the boy out of the wreckage. The earpiece he wore buzzed lightly and all ANBU captains were ushered to meet the Hokage.

Feeling like the other shinobis could handle themselves, Hound leaped through broken homes. He caught glimpse of Hidden Mist’s shinobi bodies littering the ground, all dead and bloody.

So it was a Mist Attack.

This would sure enrage the Sandaime and the council.

Hound landed a little off balance on the orphanage's roof, eyes scanning worriedly around the place. It was ruined, the ground wet and dug with many footprints that indicated of panicked running. But it was good news, the lot was empty meaning the kids were safe and taken away to the hideout.

 _He_ was safe.

Hound released a sigh, a breath he didn’t know he was holding up until he had arrived at the orphanage. He was worried, pained to even think that something might've happened to _him_ but he was safe. Evacuated on time.

Hound jumped down from the roof, heart raced for a moment as he had failed to foresee those broken glasses below. He landed on the ground with a thud, his right hand on the ground, catching his weight along with his good leg’s knees. Hound heard glasses crunching below.

He cringes as soon as he smelled fresh blood.

He doesn’t know why but today sucked. He was an ANBU but his movements were sloppy, a shame. He quickly glanced down, proclaiming his thought right when he spotted shards of glasses embedded in his palm.

Great. Just great.

He stood up, knees shaking but it doesn’t hurt one bit.

Nothing hurts except his sympathy for the village. Sympathy for his battered hand, covered in dirt, glass, and blood.

Hound didn’t wince when he removed those shards one by one.

_Blood._

The fourth time he saw blood was when he was looking down at the Yondaime with his wife. Those two were the only adults he had trusted, next to his father, and just seeing them lifeless, hurt- in order to protect _their love_ —Hound swore in his whole life he wouldn’t—

“Help!” a familiar voice called out and Hound immediately flickered to the scene. His porcelain mask met a rampaging Mist-nins’ that were blowing jutsu after jutsu, wreaking havoc and hurting those other shinobis who tried to stop them. There were two of them and Hound was very confident that crushing them was like stepping on cockroaches.

With a swift movement, he was immediately behind one mist-nin, kunai in hand and ready to strike but then Hound jumped back when he saw a hand coming for him. It emitted a weird chakra around his fist but Hound was quicker. He kicked him, using his good leg, at the back of his head, the Mist-nin groaning in pain and it emitted a smirk from Hound.

This nin could feel pain.

With a slash of his kunai on the nin’s back, he threw four shurikens on his way, all the while still in mid-air.

The Mist-nin groaned, falling on the ground. Hound quickly cast a fireball and aimed right on the vigilante. The scream of pain as he burned thoroughly doesn't shake him one bit. He just looked at the mess of a human right there. Attacking civilians and burning to his death.

He deserved it, Hound thought.

“ANBU-san!” Someone shouted and Hound immediately turned his head and saw a chunin running towards him. Before he could evade, the chunin grabbed his bare shoulders and they both landed on the ground, just enough to avoid a dozen poisoned senbon. Hound groaned, felt a little light-headed. He grabbed the chunin’s shoulder and saw brown orbs painted with worry.

So lost and dazed.

He could smell poison from him.

Hound gritted his teeth, gently laid the panting chunin on the ground beside him.

Fortunately, back-up has arrived and two other jounins were already fighting the nin who threw the senbons. Hound turned to look at the chunin, saw how his forehead was covered in sweat, hair messy, and he looked so much in pain.

So much that Hound sat up slowly, shouting for back up once he saw his prediction was right. There was a senbon on the chunin’s ankle.

However, the two jounins were still busy fighting, and Hound didn’t have any other choice but to grab hold of the injured chunin and flickered them out of the scene.

They ended up in the same position but this time on the roof. He gently lets go of the chunin and saw how he had his face scrunched up, eyes closed and barely responding to his calls.

“Hey,” Hound tried again, slapping his shoulders lightly.

The chunin yelled in pain, his own arms encircled his own body, and Hound was forced to cup his face. “Hey!”

Seconds felt like minutes from the unresponsive chunin, however, he did open his eyes, and Hound was a little taken aback for it felt like the chunin had looked through the thin slits of his mask just so he could stare at him right in the eye.

It didn’t last long though because the chunin’s eyes suddenly rolled at the back of his head before falling unconscious.

Hound knew he shouldn’t let him die here, he needed back-up immediately. He looked around his surroundings, spotted no one at first but then he felt familiar chakra that belonged to one of his kohai. In relief, Hound finally got back up on his feet but did something he never knew he was capable of.

It was like electricity had run through his veins violently, every nerve was hit precisely with something he wasn’t familiar with. He had done chidori multiple times, even perfected it but this was different. His leg, the broken one, gave out as he fell next to the unconscious chunin again.

Hound yelled. His voice screeching, scratching at his throat like pointy nails.

_It—it—_

Hound felt tears, tears he thought he was done shedding after Minato and Kushina. But there it was, like a pool that was overflowing.

His left eye twitched, never once he had felt the need to pluck it out.

_It—_

Hound screamed again, his voice rough and throat sore as he clung on nothing but his chest armor. It was making him dizzy, not even noticing his mask had become askew, and the lower part of his face was visible.

Seconds felt like hours when he felt a familiar presence beside him, the porcelain mask from his comrade glistened against the darkening sky.

He remained panicked. Trembling in something he can’t understand. His hand was shaking madly and every second Hound was becoming dazed with so much—

_It hurts._

He somehow managed to calm down when his comrade puts a soothing hand on his body but Hound felt like all of his strength and chakra had been sucked dry. Before he was swallowed by darkness, the last thing he saw through the slits of his mask was the chunin’s half-lidded eyes on him.

~*~

He believed that once he got past every emotional pain, he’ll be untouchable. And he had decided that he would remain untouchable because he can’t bear the thought of—

“I will relieve you from ANBU duties,” The Sandaime stood by the foot of his bed, a scene he never knew he would get to see—given that nobody really visited him whenever he’s at the hospital. But he was here, smoking away on his pipe, his eyes, that doesn’t hold the same gentleness as the Yondaime, were looking at him with pity.

“Once you have healed and trained to be accustomed to _pain_. You will resume your duties as a jounin,”

He wanted to protest, wanted to raise his hand to object but the Sandaime beats him to it, “You have reached pass the life expectancy of an ANBU, and I think this will be the right time for you to retire and adjust yourself,”

“But—”

“I don’t want to lose a talented shinobi of mine, Kakashi.”

He doesn’t know what hurts more, his body that was aching all over or the life that he was so used to was just taken away from him all of the sudden.

_Just because—_

“You have served well, Hound. Rest and train yourself,”

When the Sandaime left with his ANBU, one particular ANBU remained in the room with him. He could sense the pity radiating from him and if he wasn’t immobile, with bandages wrapped around his arms and legs, he would've shouted at him.

But he knew Cat meant well.

“Senpai,”

“Leave.”

Without another plea to leave his sorry state, Cat did and Kakashi was left alone to wonder about that chunin that caused him _so much pain._

~*~

After two months of laying down in bed, being injected with medicine that would numb him up like how he was used to, hissing every time his bandages were replaced, he slowly realized that this would be the new normal.

That he would no longer be the invincible ANBU.

And here he was, assisted by some medic-nin he doesn’t care about, helping him lift up a small dumbbell.

Small.

It weighs like nothing but he still needed help for his hands were trembling badly at every move.

What happened to him? What happened to his strength that was once like steel, now every lift was hurting. Pain. This pain he’s feeling was new and he hated it. Every fiber in his body shook at every minor ache he felt.

Pathetic.

Now as he lay alone on his bed, the smell of the hospital was almost sickening, Kakashi stared outside the window. His mind wandering to a certain chunin. The one he was fated to.

He wondered if he was also feeling the same thing— _pain and anger._

Kakashi doesn’t really care about genders, per se. But he does mind when something was taken from him unexpectedly when he swore to himself that he would not end up pathetically drowned in love like Obito, died with the thought of saving their love like his sensei, and simply gave up because of guilt like his father.

The emotional pain was enough for Kakashi. But this additional pain? This was a punishment.

Grabbing for the spare kunai on the nightstand, Kakashi stared at it as he remembered the day he first sliced his hand. It amazed him how a human body, so pale like his, could carry such redness of a liquid.

How he has color in his very core.

He touched the tip of the sharp kunai with his finger and hissed when he broke the skin on his fingertip. Blood trickled down but to him, the pain he felt on that small wound hurt like hell. He threw the kunai away, the gear landing on the floor with a loud thump as Kakashi sucked on his finger.

He wondered, does his soulmate _also_ hated him?


	2. clinging to the ruins

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> His soulmate was intriguing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> henlooo  
> part 2~ thank you all so much for kudos and comments and of course views  
> hope you will all enjoy this  
> wouldn't be here if it weren't for you all. thank you, you are all very lovely and awesome  
> ^.^
> 
> ((again, excuse any wrong grammar and spellings. thank u xxoo))

_You lost it all and now you've been left open_ _  
and you were starting to heal but you've been tearing your conscious_

In this world, once you touched the one that’s fated for you, you would feel physical pain for the first time. Some people took it easy, some took it hard.

The healing process of getting accustomed to physical pain takes time. If one was lucky enough to find their fated one during their young days, the healing process would be fast and easy. On the other hand, if one managed to find their soulmate when they’re past their childhood days, the process would be hard and long.

It's like what they said, the younger the tree, the easier to bend.

Getting used to the pain would only take a year or so, but some people took them years to familiarize themselves with physical pain.

A small price to pay just so you could meet your soulmate.

Kakashi was one of those lucky ones in regards to adapting to pain. Every passing day, he didn’t stop pushing himself to the point that sometimes he felt like dying, but he can’t lose now. Not now that he’d come this far.

Kakashi no longer screams in pain each time he tried to move his broken leg, he doesn’t hiss anymore when the medic-nin would inject him with medicine. He needed this process to end soon just so he could prove that he wasn’t weak.

That having a soulmate—

The adjusting phase was going well, until his left eye started to twitch when he kept it open for a long time, resulting in him wearing his hitai-ate over it every time. It hurts, every second, and he hated how he needed to press his hand against it just to soothe any discomfort. It didn't hurt before, and with that thought, he became more annoyed at himself. 

Would he be able to use the Sharingan like before? 

Every night he wondered, staring out the window as he questioned the odds on why does he have to experience more pain. He was ruined enough with his childhood, does he need more? Was this some wicked way for him to atone for every sin he had committed during his _painless_ years.

Couple more months, the cast on his leg was off and Kakashi was able to walk again. As soon as he did, the Sandaime called for him.

He was still ordered to stay in the hospital, Kakashi couldn’t argue because, as much as he hated to admit it, he needed the help and being alone won’t faster his process.

It was the usual, the Sandaime had asked him how he was, Kakashi answered as shortly as possible which resulted in a sigh from the Sandaime at the lack of words. Kakashi planned to listen to every word and then forget about them later, but the Sandaime suddenly said something that made his breath hitch.

“Your soulmate is also at the hospital,”

One lone gray eye, wide in shock, was glued to the Sandaime. So the Sandaime knew who caused all of this, and he's going to ask him about this. Kakashi frowned after, wasn't this kind of thing supposed to be private? What was he up to?

Kakashi felt exposed.

It seemed like the Sandaime noticed the distaste expression of his one exposed eye because he cleared his throat and continued. “Do not fret, Kakashi. Only me and Cat knows who he is,”

“I don’t like that thought one bit, Hokage-sama,” He hissed, voice coming out more venomous than he had planned. It just irked him how the Sandaime could freely tell him where his soulmate was when he spent the rest of the year confused, conflicted if he should—should approach this matter.

_Kakashi never wanted a soulmate._

He doesn’t like the thought of the pain it comes with. And a soulmate won't fix broken bones and open wounds.

“Would you like to meet him?” The Sandaime asked as calmly as ever, breathing in through his pipe before releasing the white smoke through his nose. Even though Kakashi had only one eye exposed, the Sandaime’s gaze felt like it was unmasking him slowly, ready to read every contort of his face just to get an idea of what he wanted. 

Kakashi averted his gaze on the floor, at loss for words. All this thinking he had done, never once the idea of meeting his soulmate was one of it. Well, he was mad. Frustrated. He felt robbed of the thing he clung onto, the only thing that reminded him that he wasn’t pathetic.

That he wasn’t a worthless person.

Love was something Kakashi knew was gone. It vanished the moment he stared at his father bathing in his own blood.

If love was something everyone needed in order to feel _something_. Then why do you hurt for love? Love wasn’t supposed to be full of pain, love wasn’t supposed to hurt more than his broken leg.

He loved his father. He loved Minato and Kushina. He loved his teammates.

Why was he left with hurt?

And was gifted with more pain by his soulmate.

“I’m not forcing you to meet him, it’s none of our business,” The Sandaime spoke, his thick voice echoing through the room. The Hokage then opened his drawer, shuffled around for a bit before putting a thin folder on his desk, the Hokage’s hand, scattered with lines, was above the said folder in a protective but offering manner.

He inhaled the pipe he held with his other hand before releasing smoke through his mouth. “Would you like to know his name?”

“I had no intentions of meeting him,”

“I assume you already know his face, but—”

“Nor to interact.” Kakashi bowed, a complete 90 degrees even though his back hurts. “Now if you’ll excuse me,”

He left with a flicker, not wanting to stay longer in that place for he might grab the folder, read everything about his soulmate, and threw the goddamn thing away in the air and destroy it with a katon.

Later that night, Kakashi limped his way along the empty hallway of the hospital with only the moonlight as his guide. Each step agonizingly slow, careful so that he won't feel like he's stepping on something so sharp that his bones and muscles felt like breaking every time. All the while, his frustrations came back. From his father, to his sensei, and teammates. Those who he had loved the most brought him so much agony. Was this really all that was about love?

Love was a banal word for him. It sounded so disgusting coming out from a ninja like him who has his hands stained with so many blood, and ears that heard so many plead for a second chance.

Love wasn’t for Kakashi.

But he stopped on his tracks once he saw a medic-nin pushing someone in a wheelchair that looked so ethereal, it made Kakashi want to sink down on his knees and just- just disappear from this cruel, cruel world.

The medic-nin greeted him silently with a smile, a complete opposite to Kakashi’s shocked expression. He almost made a grab for his face when he remembered that he wasn’t in his usual ANBU outfit.

No, he was Hatake Kakashi jounin right now. No mask. _No more mask._

Once they’ve passed and he knew he was out of their sight, he collapsed on the floor. Knees hitting the cemented ground with a thump that sent an electrifying shiver in Kakashi’s system.

_It fucking hurts._

But why does it hurt more to see his soulmate, seated almost lifeless on the wheelchair?

Kakashi gasped, felt his left eye leaking unwanted tears.

No, he’s not crying for his soulmate.

He’s crying for himself because his soulmate looked so beautiful when all he planned was to hate him.

~*~

Being one of those people who can recover faster through perseverance, Kakashi gladly accepted his first B-Rank mission as a jounin. He was used to working as a one-man team, but he needed to accept that he needed to take this mission with two other comrades in order to gain assurance to the Sandaime that he was ready to be out on the battlefield again.

At first, it was hard. Considering he had a temper, and would mostly hog all of the opponents. But he wanted to, he wanted to kill, to get used to the feeling of his knuckles hurting as he punched an opponent.

Pouring out all those frustrations he felt for being isolated, for almost a year, from the kunai in his hand to the neck of the missing-nin.

Those bruises and wounds were a new feeling but nothing a healing chakra could heal.

As darkness slowly surrounded them, indicating that it was time to rest wounded body and souls, Kakashi released a sigh as his other two comrades settled near the fire camp. It has been a rough day, they had fought a few missing-nins from years ago that developed some strange jutsu, which they concluded was Orochimaru’s doings. Then a group of rogue ninjas suddenly attacked them after. Needless to say, it’s been a long day and they needed to rest up as much as they could before going back home.

“I haven’t found mine yet,” One of his comrades spoke with a solemn voice. Even though he was seated far away from them, he had heard and knew what they’re talking about. Soulmates. Ever since Kakashi had left the hospital, it seemed as though it’s the only topic he had heard from his friends, and the people around.

“But do you want to?”

“Maybe…”

Kakashi suddenly stood up from where he was seated, both shinobi stopping their conversation as they glued their eyes on him.

They knew. Of course, they knew.

He was Sharingan no Kakashi. Everyone knew who he was, everyone knew he was a friend killer, everyone knew he became pathetic just because he found his soulmate.

Everyone knew he was weak now.

“Kakashi-san… I,” One of them tried to reason out, visibly shaking. Honestly, his teammate didn't need to be scared of him, as if he cared about what they're talking about. Kakashi just ignored him and he casually walked towards their stuff to grab his own sleeping bag.

“Oh, captain. D-do not worry, me and Haruki would exchange in patrolling the area through the night!” Kuro, the one who hadn’t found his soulmate yet, said with a salute. He sure was sure energetic for someone who had just fought a lot of missing-nins today.

“Is it a curse or a blessing?” Kakashi blurted out with his back still facing them.

“P-pardon?”

“Able to feel physical pain because you met your soulmate,” Kakashi also noticed that his grip on the sleeping bag was becoming tighter at every word that escaped his mouth.

“Kakashi-san…”

Kakashi immediately turned around to face his comrades, ready to burst and ready to expect anger in their eyes for asking such ridiculous questions.

But to his surprise, he saw pity in their eyes.

They always pity him.

“I already put barriers so patrolling can be up to a minimum,” He turned his back to them again, ready to leave and call it a night, but paused when one of his comrades spoke. “It’s not a curse, Kakashi-san. It actually made me feel alive.”

Kakashi nodded, not answering further as he walked a few feet away from them.

That night, his mind wouldn’t let him fall asleep. In fact, it seemed like he could hear everything around him. From the small croaks of frogs, small walks of critters, the distant hoot of an owl. Everything bothered him, even his soulmate that he had last seen months ago during his recovery.

After that incident, he never left his room not until he needed to. It was a cowardly move but the Kakashi back then still felt the hatred running through his veins. He admits, he blamed this fucked up soulmate system—meaning, he kind of blamed his fated one.

He couldn’t stop himself to think if only that chunin didn’t save him.

_Would he rather die then?_

He considered dying when all hope had left him. When he was left with a big house with no one to go home to. But there was this voice inside his head that kept whispering he doesn’t want to be like his father. He needed to live in order to show him that he was stronger than him.

But indeed, he was weak. Physically and emotionally, and the only thing to cut every emotion out was with his ANBU mask. No one would see how guilty he looked when he killed a woman, who he knew was a mother. No one checked if he was crying when he killed a man who looked like his sensei.

No one would ask a kid with an ANBU mask on.

His mask was his refuge, his identity.

And to be taken away from him all of the sudden?

It wasn’t fair.

Soulmates were only a distraction. _A pain._

Then he remembered _him._ When the medic-nin was pushing him in a wheelchair. He was asleep, maybe. He had his hair down and—

Kakashi scrunched up his face, turning to his side rather ungraciously before releasing a tired sigh.

~*~

“I know I have given you five missions so far but,” The Sandaime paused, his eyes scanning Kakashi, who fidgeted a little at his gaze. He knew this talk would come soon so he had already arranged a few sentences in his mind on what excuse to say, but it seemed like his mouth was glued shut.

In the past few months that he was free and given missions again, he had been, how to say this, out of control.

He killed. A lot.

No, not civilians, Kakashi could never.

He killed a lot of missing-nins that were needed for an investigation, but with his annoyance and hunger to kill, Kakashi had been disappointing the Hokage a lot whenever he returned home without an unconscious body to interrogate.

“You never fail to bring me a _dead_ body,”

“Hokage-sama, if I may inter—”

“Kakashi,” The way his name rolled out of his mouth irked him. Admittedly, he had this hidden displeasure about the Sandaime. Preferably on how he treated his sensei’s son. And now hearing him say his name like he meant something, which he knew he doesn’t, irritated him.

Or maybe he had become irritable ever since _that_ day.

He stood firmly, eyes on the ground as he waited for the Sandaime to continue.

“I have given you missions to prove yourself that you’re ready to go back out in the field. But you’re doing this like a kid out of control,”

Maybe the Sandaime did care because Kakashi felt like a kid that had stolen candy from the pantry, with that, Kakashi just kept quiet.

“I might have to pause your service,”

“No, you can’t do that! It has been-”

Just then, a knock on the door stopped both adults and before Kakashi could react, the Sandaime gave his permission to enter to whoever was on the other side.

“Excuse me, Hokage-sama…”

It’s like Kakashi’s world stopped and time quickly ticked backward to the day he had lost—his everything. There stood by the doorway was his soulmate, all looking happy and proper, not a hint of pain in his system while Kakashi was suffering both outside and inside.

_He looked…_

“Oh, hello…” The newcomer greeted him with a slight bow, brown orbs meeting his lone gray one that sent shivers down Kakashi’s spine.

With balled up fist, he remained unresponsive to the chunin.

Kakashi’s chest throbbed with something he couldn’t comprehend when their eyes met. He’s scared. Scared of those eyes that held so many emotions unlike his. Actually, this was the first time Kakashi saw him so _alive_. Like he’s not afraid of what was given to him. Clueless of what the world had given to him.

_Does he know…?_

“Ah, Iruka… you can put the scrolls on the floor beside the chair,” Kakashi could feel the Sandaime’s eyes on him once he uttered his soulmate’s name.

It was the first time he had heard of it and—and his name sounds so perfect for him.

When Iruka passed by him, Kakashi’s breath hitched. He felt his left eye started to pool with tears behind his hitai-ate and that’s where he knew he needed to leave.

He needed to get away before Iruka knew who he was.

“Hokage-sama,” He said, voice hoarse but firm. “I promise I won’t do it again,” He bowed, “So if you’ll allow me to…”

“I expect you to keep your promise, you’re dismissed,”

Thus, instead of exiting like a normal human being through the door, Kakashi walked up to the window, climbed out, and flickered away.

Away from his soulmate.

-

Kakashi knew he had spent most of his life sinning. Staining his hands with blood and pain he didn’t know that could hurt so bad as his gloved hand held and stabbed other people just to gain peace in Konoha.

He was as dirty as the bloodied soil below his feet. A weapon Konoha could use so it could continue being a great village for everyone that was unstained.

For everyone like Iruka.

Iruka was something. He was bright, all smiles, and clean. He was the epitome of a perfect shinobi because as Kakashi hid behind a roof, he saw how cheerful Iruka looked just by greeting some kids.

The word sensei echoed throughout and Kakashi saw how Iruka never failed to beam each of them a smile.

Was he going crazy? Kakashi wasn't sure. He doesn’t understand why, after two days of seeing his _fated_ one up close, he had decided, now was the right time to be a stalker. Kakashi only stalked powerful enemy ninjas, so why was he doing this now? A lone shinobi surrounded by kids.

Maybe because he was curious about what his soulmate does on a good day. Was he also in grieve for losing the ability to not feel pain? Was he a good shinobi? Does he also kill?

_Was Iruka looking for him?_

“Sensei, see you!” The kids shouted their good-byes quite politely and Iruka continued to walk towards who knows where.

Kakashi knew he should stop. He never once thought in his life that he’s willing to follow his soulmate in a stalking manner. Had he really gone this low? Why was he doing this anyway? He could train himself more, he could be better, and he could run away from all of this because his _soulmate_ was the cause of his pain.

A distraction.

But why was his soulmate seemed so warm?

Kakashi ended up following him through the Academy. Lots of kids swarm the place like excited bees and Kakashi tried his best to hide in a tree where kids won’t be able to see him, and of course, just the right view to Iruka’s—so he’s an academy sensei? Was he a sensei before that _day_?

He just shrugged, grabbed his book from his pocket as the day continued on with not much event.

That was until afternoon, Iruka came out of the Academy with his class. Little kids littered the training grounds excitedly with some training shurikens in hand. Kakashi tilted his head, his visible eyes widening in the process when he spotted someone he hadn’t seen in a long time.

It was Naruto.

And he had gotten taller the last time he had seen him at the orphanage.

His smile, as bright as Kushina’s, made Kakashi feel a little sting in his chest. It somehow felt like he was back in those days where being alone was bearable. That seeing blood doesn’t hurt and Kushina would always scold him when he has an unattended wound.

_“You should find your soulmate soon,” Kakashi frowned up at Kushina, who was busy tending to his wound located just below his right elbow. The wound wasn’t that big, just a scratch so Kakashi doesn’t know why she made a big deal about it. It won’t harm him._

_"Soulmates sucks,”_

_“Yeah? Well, you suck at locating your wounds,” Kushina gritted her teeth, glaring at the stubborn kid before pressing the cotton on his wound harshly. Kakashi remained stoic whereas Kushina sighed in defeat as she remembered that Kakashi couldn’t feel pain._

_“They aren’t that bad,” She said, throwing away the soiled cotton._

_“Hm? So that’s why Obito cries every time he trips,”_

_“Kakashi…” Kushina said, now already done in cleaning his wound. She grabbed a small band-aid from the first aid kit and slapped it on his skin with a little force._

_“Happiness would replace all the pain,”_

Kakashi blinked, suddenly remembering the exact words Kushina told him. It was weird. He had vague memories of everything that happened after all the important people to him died, but to recalled that one out of the blue? It was unexpected and it felt like Kushina had somehow slapped him on the face just now.

“Sensei! I’m sorry!” Kakashi’s gaze quickly went at the commotion below and saw as the pre-genins’ faces were contorted in shock with a mix of fright. Naruto was also there, who was frantically hogging up Iruka’s personal space. Kakashi raised his brow when he noticed a shuriken was embedded on the sensei’s thigh.

Oh.

“Iruka-sensei, I’m sorry! I—”

Kakashi waited and expected the worst to come for Naruto. Even though he never checked up on him frequently, he knew how this town treated the boy. Naruto was like a plague that no one wanted to be near, it saddened him really, especially how the Sandaime had decided to not tell anyone, especially Naruto himself, that he’s the Yondaime’s legacy.

But maybe it was for the best. So Naruto could live peacefully.

“It’s okay,” Iruka’s smile confused Kakashi for a moment. Wasn’t Iruka supposed to be one of those villagers who looked down on Naruto? Like how some academy teachers he saw that passed by their class?

_He’s intriguing…_

“But sensei, you’re hurt…”

“Naruto. It’s okay. How about this? I’ll handle this and help me in getting the whole class back to the classroom?” When Naruto presented an enthusiastic nod, he gave the word to his classmates and the little pre-genins obeyed while looking back at Iruka unsurely.

That looks painful, Kakashi thought, once he saw Iruka’s pants getting darker by the second. The scent of fresh blood reeked from where he was seated and he could clearly see how the shuriken was embedded rather deeply.

When the children had gone inside, Iruka’s smile was replaced with a scrunched up face. He limped his way towards the forest part of the training grounds, and Kakashi suppressed his chakra more, afraid to be caught.

Part of him wanted to help, but a part of him doesn’t want to let the sensei acknowledge that he’s been here the whole time.

As Iruka leaned against a tree, all sweaty and panting. He counted up to five before pulling the weapon out of his thigh. A muffled scream broke through gritted teeth, Kakashi partially feeling sorry for the pain it caused.

Iruka threw the annoying weapon away before he brought out a bandage from his pack behind and started to wrap up his wound. Kakashi saw how Iruka kept his mouth shut by biting his lips, took note of the tears pooling in those doe eyes.

_He’s hurting._

Before Kakashi could flicker away, knowing he won’t get anything by watching his fated one hissing as he tied the bandages neatly, Iruka’s gaze went up to where he was perfectly hidden.

Kakashi froze. Heart beating violently against his chest when Iruka’s eyes won’t leave him. Those brown eyes that seemed to lure him in, confess every sin he made.

Fortunately, Iruka decided to break their little staring contest and proceeded to walk away from the forest.

_Away from him._

.

Later that night, with the moon as the only guide through the empty office, Kakashi managed to enter inside the Hokage tower unnoticed. And when he successfully entered the archives without the ANBUs on guard knowing, Kakashi decided he needed to report this, but then again, he would be in trouble if he did.

Nevertheless, when he reached a shelf that contained files and files of information regarding every active shinobi in Konoha, Iruka’s file wasn’t hard to miss. Kakashi grabbed for his soulmate’s file and spent a minute reading its contents before putting it back in.

He released a sigh.

Was he really going this low just to know what kind of shinobi Iruka was? He was intriguing, that’s a fact. But Kakashi just can’t seem to be close to him.

He’s scared of him.

Scared of what he might know that would make him hate him less. He was frightened to know that Iruka was as perfect as he looked.

Kakashi suddenly felt his cheeks heat up at the last thought.

_Perfect._

His eyes scanned the file a little more until it landed on the _soulmate_ information. It wasn’t blank and it was the first time Kakashi had been informed that it was possible to write _something_ like this on an official file.

Quickly shutting the document, he puts it back in place and swiftly escaped the archive the same way he did when he entered. Undetectable and quiet. Really, those ANBUs needed additional training if they can’t even notice Kakashi had broken in.

With the wind blowing on his face gently, Kakashi jumped from one roof to another. Where he’s going, he doesn’t have an idea. All he understood was that he needed to breathe fresh air so that he won’t suffocate at the new information he just learned.

Who knew you could write _ANBU_ under your soulmate.

Kakashi unknowingly touched the hem of his mask. He wondered if Iruka knew who he was, or if it was Hound who he only knew.

Either way, Kakashi had a hard time sleeping that night for he kept wondering if Hound should remain hidden or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more feels next upp ;A;


	3. too lost and hurting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kakashi was slowly realizing some things he had failed to notice before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hellloooo peeps.  
> thank you so much for the wonderful comments, love you all and i am really, super duper thankful you're finding this story interesting enough. thank you for still tuning in lovely readers. writing this was super fun and I couldn't do it without you all. keep being lovely and awesome.  
> make a great day, loves 
> 
> ((again, please excuse any wrong grammar and spellings, feel free to point it out))

_It’s growing faster than you’ve grown_ _  
Now you’re stronger than yourself  
I’m fighting for you  
I’m hiding for you_

Having been able to see Naruto again brought joy to Kakashi in his angsty world. When the incident happened, Kakashi had lost all hope and locked himself without any communication from anyone. But seeing how Iruka had positively reacted to Naruto, Kakashi couldn't help the urge to check on the boy.

And he was disappointed to learn that Naruto lived in this garbage part of town. Would you even consider this as a child’s sanctuary? Broken and a little dirty. He thought the Sandaime had given Naruto enough to sustain himself in a comfortable life. he did, but not comfortable enough for Kakashi's liking.

Kakashi sighed.

When he reached Naruto’s door, he gently pried it open and took a look at how messy the kid’s place was. Well, given that he lives alone, a kid that grew up without any guidance to daily chores. Kakashi spent the entire time cleaning up some things the kid won’t notice. He also threw some expired food and drinks away.

The moment his eye landed on the big stack of cup ramen, Kakashi took note to bring some veggies and real food to the child. Before he went out, he left a few cash in a place where Naruto could see and won't suspect.

That night, Kakashi went to the memorial stone to apologize to his sensei for he could not properly watch out for their son.

Fate seemed to be a little funny as days passed by. Weeks after the unwanted stalking moment, Kakashi swore Iruka was always present wherever he was. First was at Ichiraku, he just passed by the little shop carrying groceries when his eyes spotted his fated one- and what do you know, he was with Naruto, eating and chatting away happily.

The second time fate wanted to be funny was when he was on the training grounds, minding his own business and wasting his chakra away when a group of chunin passed by. One of them greeted Kakashi, and that’s where he noticed Iruka was also there.

The third time Kakashi encountered him was when he was holding a basket full of perishable goods. Yeah, a comedic sight for a jounin like him, holding up colorful fruits and veggies in a basket. But he couldn’t care less.

Now, Kakashi had all of this planned out, drop the basket to Naruto’s apartment, clean a little, and then leave some cash, but as soon as he stepped foot through the window, he froze.

There stood in the middle of Naruto’s room was his soulmate.

Iruka Umino.

Iruka shrieked a little, the broom he was sweeping with was held mid-air in a defensive position. He was also wearing an apron but Kakashi decided to keep eye contact for Iruka might hurt himself more from embarrassment.

“Yo,” Kakashi greeted nonchalantly, feeling all nervous for this would be their first-ever conversation and he wasn't sure if he's ready. He waited patiently, crouched by the window, basket in hands as Iruka tried to regain his breath from shock. It was after a while when the broom was lowered down with Iruka releasing a sigh of relief.

“You… you’re Kakashi Hatake, right?”

Oh, so he knew who he was.

_Does he also know what he was to him?_

“Yes,” When Kakashi puts one leg in and received no complaints from the other, he swung his other leg and was now face to face with his soulmate.

Awkwardness surrounded them, it made Kakashi remembered that time where he saw Obito kissing his soulmate. It was funny at the same time disgusting, who knew Obito would cry just for being busted.

“What are you doing here?” Iruka’s voice sounded different from how he had heard him. He was so sweet to the kids but so vicious in front of him. Kakashi tilted his head as he gave his infamous eye smile, the one that seemed so fake but acceptable to the public.

“That should be my question,” Even though Iruka was his soulmate and Naruto’s teacher, Kakashi still needed to know what he was doing here. Iruka seemed taken aback, a blush covered his cheeks as he looked down, clearly uneasy and frustrated by the way his grip on the broom tightened.

“I—I am Naruto’s teacher, okay? I have the right to know what you’re doing in my student’s apartment!”

Kakashi looked at him, unimpressed and bored. If this was how Iruka was going to answer, might as well answer him honestly and get out of here fast before his _dislike_ towards his soulmate ignite more.

Hate was just the wrong word, Kakashi thought. He doesn’t hate him, he just—he honestly wasn't sure.

“Naruto was my sensei’s son, so I’m just here to check on him and bring him some real food,” He showed him the basket, shrugging his shoulders at the same time. “Now, may I ask why you’re here? His teacher in his apartment?”

“I—” Iruka seemed to stutter a lot and Kakashi quickly softened his gaze on the sensei. “I check up on him from time to time, okay?! I don’t like how he lives alone and I try to help him as much as I can,” Iruka panted a little, still avoiding his eye contact, “Don’t take it the wrong way, okay? The kid is like—like a little brother,”

“Okay, I get it.” Kakashi slumped down on the available chair next to the table, placing down the basket on it. He kept his eye glued on the sensei, who was still fidgeting, looking so unsure what to do next.

It was funny if you think about it, the person Kakashi wanted to avoid the most was presented in front of him. Fate works a little funny.

“Thank you for looking out for him,” Iruka’s expression suddenly changed, his doe eyes finally looked up, shocked and in awe that the jounin couldn’t help but feel a little funny inside.

No, it wasn’t the usual physical and emotional pain.

It was different. More different from what he felt when he’s with his friends.

“I do my best. Thank you also for bringing food for Naruto. I also guessed you’re the one leaving him money?”

“Hm? How do you say so?”

“Well, recently…” Iruka started to sweep again while Kakashi just resorted to just watching the sensei move around, “He wanted to treat me to ramen because he ‘saw he still had money left’. But I said to him he should keep it for his own,” Iruka was smiling while telling Kakashi all about his sensei’s son.

He felt something weird in his stomach when Iruka chuckled lightly.

“I mean come on, he just told me that day he doesn’t have money anymore, and then suddenly he has,” Iruka stood up straight as he looked at Kakashi pointedly.

“You caught me, sensei.” Kakashi shrugged, resting one arm on the table only to put his chin on his palm. His lazy gaze stayed on the sensei, who, unfortunately, glared at him when he remained seated. Kakashi raised a brow, wondering why the sudden change of mood but then Iruka looked to his left while remaining eye contact with the jounin. Kakashi slowly averted his gaze to his left and was greeted with lots of unwashed dishes.

Okay. So that’s how it was.

Chuckling to himself, Kakashi stood up and proceeded with the task, unbeknownst to the eyes following his every move.

They cleaned the house quietly, minding their own business and Kakashi was happy with that. He doesn’t really have the strength today to talk to someone, especially his _soulmate._ It was calming though, to be informed that someone other than him cared for Naruto.

But Kakashi still can’t shake away the feeling of being able to stand this close to Iruka. He barely knew the guy, well, he knew some basic information, and he was itching to ask what he saw in Naruto that made him want to take care of him, however, seeing how contented Iruka looked while cleaning, maybe the interrogations could be done a little later.

After a while, Kakashi's finally done cleaning up. The dishes were all clean, he had already put the perishables in their place, and the kitchen was squeaky clean. Kakashi gave one last look before he realized that he doesn't have any more reason to stay here. He looked back at Iruka and saw the other was busy wiping the floor with a wet cloth using his feet. 

He walked up to the window where he first entered, thinking if he should leave with a goodbye or something. Kakashi bit his lips, should he? He glanced back at his soulmate and paused. 

Iruka was looking at him, and Kakashi didn’t know it was possible for his heart to jump a little.

There his soulmate stood, with that silly apron over his shinobi blues, hair tied in a messy bun as the afternoon sun hits him gently like a spotlight intended only for him. Kakashi snapped his head out at the window, clearing his throat in the process. “Uh, I got to go,”

When he received no response, Kakashi grabbed for the window frame, leg raised and ready to leap out when Iruka’s voice echoed, “Thank you, Kakashi-san…” He turned back to look at him and quickly regretted it because Iruka, his soulmate, the one he desperately tried to _blame_ for everything was smiling so warmly.

Even warmer than Kushina’s.

“Uhm…” Shell-shocked and mouth agape under his mask, Iruka chuckled lightly. “I’m Iruka, by the way.”

“Oh…” Kakashi finally found his control over his whole body as he quickly moved through the window. He crouched down, glancing at the setting sky before him. Kakashi gave Iruka one last glance, “Well, Iruka-sensei, bye,”

_  
"See you,”_

  
See you.

See you.

Those two words kept repeating inside his brain like a broken radio as he jumped from one roof to another. What does Iruka meant by 'see you?' Does that mean—Kakashi straightened up his feet, sandals scratched again rough tiles, stopping himself from colliding against a pole.

He breathed out in relief when his forehead just stopped a few inches away from the metal pole. Who knew those two words could distract him, Sharingan no Kakashi, and almost made himself crash into a freaking pole.

~

The whole _see you_ thing was like a secret mantra, some kind of password that would let the odds defy Kakashi’s will. Because after that momentous meeting, it had been a frequent occurrence.

They would meet at the same time where they knew Naruto would dirty the place enough, however, their repeated meetings don’t mean he talked. Both of them mostly just do their work quietly, thank each other and leave. It had been going on for a month, one time a week.

At first, Kakashi was hesitant, not wanting to start a conversation or whatnot, but soon realized, he looked like a fool. Iruka was clearly trying his best to be friendly and Kakashi acted like this stubborn kid who couldn't get what he wanted. So, they started to converse about small stuff.

He still had this itching feeling in his chest whenever he’s reminded who Iruka was, and what's the cause of knowing him.

However, on one warm afternoon, as he entered Naruto’s room, he expected Iruka to be cleaning already, but instead, he was welcomed with a smiling Iruka. “Kakashi-san,” He called out with the same voice he used when talking to kids. Understanding, and warm. Kakashi cleared his throat, nodding at Iruka’s direction.

Iruka was seated at the dining table with a plate full of sliced orange. He was beaming, of course, hair in a messy bun, not like the usual tight ponytail, and he’s wearing that silly apron again.

What was happening? Why was Iruka all friendly out of the blue? Last time he remembered, they haven’t had a normal conversation. Only yes, or no, and mostly about Naruto. But with this sudden set-up? Cautiously, Kakashi walked up to where Iruka was, looking down at his soulmate.

Kakashi was glad he’s wearing a mask when he felt his cheeks heating up.

“Care to join me? I already cleaned you see, got a little too early—”

At this point, everything coming out from Iruka’s mouth was muted for Kakashi’s gaze was glued on Iruka. How could someone who barely knew who he was, could act so comfortably as if they were friends back then? What was it about Iruka that was so intriguing that every hatred, self-loathe Kakashi had within him just melted away a second Iruka was near.

It was unfair. Iruka’s the complete opposite of him. He wasn’t oppressed with the thought of experiencing physical pain.

_You’re too kind._

His left eye began to water, ready to fall and accept defeat.

“Kakashi-san?”

“I—I’ve been summoned,” Were the only words he managed to choke out before he jumped out from the window. He needed to leave, he needed to erase the possibility that Iruka might—

_“Happiness would replace all the pain,”_

No. Kakashi closed his eyes once he landed on a tree branch, hidden away from anyone that might see how pathetic he was. Kakashi pulled up his hitai-ate before pressing his gloved hand over his left eye.

_Why does it hurt to know he wasn’t worthy of that smile?_

Happiness was something Kakashi had given up on. The world’s cruel enough, why oppose it more for it would only crush you in return. Like a speck of dust, like the dirt below his feet, the world would crush him for every little happiness that's handed to him.

The pressed palm on his left eye started to dampen as tears escaped. Kakashi gasped, a small sob left his lips, completely shocking himself. He panted, his good eye unfocused while his mind replayed the day Iruka saved him, an ANBU, someone he doesn’t know, someone he knew killed people mercilessly, someone who didn’t need saving but Iruka didn't give a second thought in saving an ANBU.

_Why was he so kind?_

Iruka’s smiling face when he glances down at Naruto, not once contorting into frustrations. No one smiled so warmly at the boy, but Iruka—even though he knew what lived inside Naruto, he still smiled like Naruto was just an ordinary kid.

Kakashi’s other hand came up to clutch on his flak jacket a little too harsh. It hurt him a little but it can’t compare to the overwhelming feelings he’s experiencing right now.

So unfamiliar. He thought he had pushed back _hope_ when the important people in his life died.

But why, why was hope starting to bloom in his chest, suffocating him.

Slowly, Kakashi regained himself, breathing in and out deeply, afraid his cries would alert anyone near.

He can’t have this. He shouldn’t.

-

It has been two weeks since he had last visited Naruto’s place. He had been training, enduring any physical pain he would feel during his drill but failed to do so as he was losing focus every time. It frustrated him, it’s like he’s back to day one of his healing process. Kakashi needed a distraction, and the new A-Rank mission given to him had just arrived at the right time.

He walked along the narrow road of Konoha, a small checklist in his brain as he tried to think of what else to buy before he leaves. He already brought new weapons, a new set of shoes because his last just gave up on him, and ration bars. Kakashi also thought of buying some medical supplies but he knew it won’t be necessary.

Amidst of his thinking, he didn’t notice someone in front of him until both collided not so gently.

Kakashi stumbled a little but quickly gained balance. He was ready to reprimand whoever was unfortunate enough to clash onto him, however, he stopped once he noticed who it was.

Naruto was scratching at his nose, face contorted with a little discomfort but not enough to make him cry. He glared up at Kakashi but soon backed off when he noticed his jounin uniform.

Kakashi opened his mouth, about to speak but Naruto beat him to it.

“Watch where you’re going, can’t ya see me?!” Kakashi raised his brow, not expecting the attitude. Well, given that Naruto caused a lot of trouble, he sure has a little attitude.

Kakashi smirked, leaning down to further intimidate him. “You’re so small, I didn’t see you,”

“Hey!”

“Naruto!” Both of them glanced back to the new source of voice, and Kakashi was surprised to see Iruka glaring at Naruto. He marched towards them, hands on his hips and face all red.

Kakashi looked away as Iruka stopped before them.

“What did I tell you about talking to strangers?”

“Iruka-sensei, he bumped into me and he didn’t even apologize,” Naruto had his finger pointed at him, a pout on his lips. Of course, he would be blamed. He had seen it coming the first time Naruto pouted. After a couple of talks and apologies from the unwilling pre-genin, Iruka decided to treat them to ramen.

Naruto was happy, jumping around and already skipping towards the shop, leaving the two adults behind. Kakashi on the other hand was fidgeting. This wasn’t part of his plan, he needed to get ready for his mission, and eating ramen won’t help especially now that he's eating with Iruka.

“Please join us?” Kakashi hated the way how Iruka’s eyes were silently begging him even though his whole face wasn’t. Really, he asked himself, what’s wrong with him because the next thing he knew, he was seated beside Naruto, with Iruka on Naruto’s other side.

Even though Kakashi had been quiet throughout the whole meal, he enjoyed how chatty his sensei’s son was. He talked about a lot of things, from his classes, how he missed ramen, how he found a frog beside the playground. And Kakashi listened to everything. Happy to be informed that somehow, Naruto was happy. So naïve of the world around him that it made Kakashi swore to himself that that smile on the kid’s face should remain a smile.

“Would you like to join me in fishing, Iruka-sensei?” Iruka nodded, still with that smile on his face as they exited the ramen stand. Even though Kakashi tried so hard to stay invisible and just enjoy the moment, Iruka never failed to include him. And right now, Iruka was giving him a look that said he should also come with them.

“Would you go too, Kakashi-san?” Naruto asked, hopeful eyes looking up at him. Those same eyes like Iruka’s. It was like those two had a secret power, something magnetic that made Kakashi want to agree.

Kakashi cleared his throat and raised his hand up, a silent gesture as an apology. “I have a mission tonight, so…” Naruto pouted, complained for a little bit before letting it go. Naruto gave Kakashi his brightest smile and waved goodbye, “Thank you for joining us, Kakashi-san,”

Kakashi smiled under his mask, the glow of the afternoon sun was nothing compared to Naruto’s grin. Iruka came into view next. He had ushered Naruto to wait for a moment with a promise of ice cream later. When both of them were now face-to-face without any kid beside, Kakashi gulped. The unsureness in the pit of his stomach didn’t help the anxiety he felt. He was honestly bad at talking and he just hoped Iruka won’t ask any more questions.

“Thank you, Kakashi-san. For accompanying us,”

“Maa, no worries. It was also fun seeing Naruto up close,” Iruka nodded towards him, Kakashi can’t help but notice how his hair bounced at every light movement he made.

“Well, sensei. Bye,”

“Kakashi-san,”

Kakashi snapped his head up and paused.

When he said that the glow of the afternoon was nothing compared to Naruto’s smile, It seemed like Iruka was a competition. Soft hues of yellow and orange covered the sensei, his skin, tan and smooth, complimented everything around him. And his hair, it flowed with the wind, silently dancing.

Iruka was smiling, joining the relaxing afternoon sun ambiance.

He’s like fall. Warm, golden, and vivid.

Kakashi’s left eye twitched as his heart drummed violently against his chest. The way Iruka looked at him felt like it meant something as if he knew all his secrets to the point Kakashi felt naked even though he had most of his face covered.

Iruka’s eyes, brown with a speck of gold in them, poured out a silent spell that made Kakashi wanted to kneel down, apologize, and let Iruka wash away all the sins he committed.

_“Come back home, soon,”_

The way those words rolled out of his mouth felt like it’s a command Kakashi can’t disobey. It scared him. How could one look so warm be so—

“Okay,” And Kakashi did what he does best, leave.

The mission wasn’t that easy to begin with. They were tasked to keep an eye on the killings at a small village near Suna. Commoners said it’s related to Orochimaru but so far, they haven’t seen any sign of the sannin. It doesn’t help either that Kakashi kept thinking about Iruka’s smile that only resulted in him becoming a little moody than before.

On the other hand, their journey didn’t remain fruitless. His team managed to arrest some petty thieves in the village that causes a lot of havoc around, they also got a clue in regards to one of Orochimaru’s hideout. Kakashi knew they shouldn’t check the place out without orders, and for that, after spending a total of six days monitoring almost nothing, they decided it was better to report back to the Sandaime on what to do next.

However, while traveling back home, a group of vigilantes that held unknown weapons attacked the three-man team. Kakashi gritted his teeth as the fight went on, it was three against six, and fortunately, one of his team was an expert in taijutsu, the enemies’ weakness.

The fight lasted for almost an hour, Kakashi only bearing light scratches and a broken rib he could endure, but his chakra would be empty soon if he didn’t stop this right now. Four were now dead on the ground and Kakashi commanded Akiteru and Akagi, two of his comrades, to take care of the other one while he would be the one to handle the genjutsu specialist.

His Sharingan doesn’t compare to the normal genjutsu, but Kakashi needed to be careful. He may no longer use his eye for any special effects but he kept it open, focusing all his chakra on it, all the while avoiding any attacks.

Unfortunately, when Kakashi landed a solid punch on the enemy, his surroundings started to melt, everything fading away like paint that's being washed off. He groaned, dispelled the jutsu immediately but not before releasing a pained grunt. Kakashi immediately turned around and kicked the man on his abdomen. The enemy flew back but quickly regained his balance and aimed a lightning jutsu towards the jounin.

Kakashi gritted his teeth, hands scrambling for balance but was suddenly kicked off the branch.

Kakashi fell on the ground with a loud thud, his body aching but the pain doesn’t compare to when he saw Akagi, the one who kicked him away, got shot by the jutsu instead.

A pained scream echoed through the dim forest, his comrade’s body quickly became lifeless as it started to descent at a fast pace, Kakashi rapidly stood up and caught him. He snapped his head up, saw the opponent jump down with a kunai in hand. Instinct took over him, his right hand started to flicker with the familiar sound of a thousand birds chirping but came to a halt once he spotted Akiteru attack the nin with such force, that they both fell far away from them.

He was confident enough to know he could handle it so Kakashi just knelt down to check on his injured comrade. He was breathing hard, his jacket and shirt had a huge hole on his abdomen, the exposed skin burnt and bleeding.

Kakashi bit his lips, he might not know much about healing but he knew the basics, and he just hoped his basics would save his teammate from the agonizing pain of a lightning jutsu.

Kakashi laid his hand over Akagi’s burnt skin as green healing chakra glowed, taking in the smoke. His teammate screamed, his face scrunched up while tears streamed down his face. A small hiss could be heard from his hand but Kakashi still continued.

That was until Akiteru appeared beside them and quietly asked if he could take over, Kakashi let the teary-eyed Akiteru heal Akagi.

Akiteru was crying, one hand on Akagi’s injury while the other kept brushing away strands of hair off Akagi’s face.

_They’re soulmates._

And Kakashi just watched as soft whispers from Akiteru resounded through the quiet forest. Alive, well, and love reverberated from both couple as Kakashi’s mind went to Iruka’s smile wanting him back home.

Home.

Blood then slipped out of Akagi’s nose, Akiteru’s cries growing louder by the second but his healing didn’t stop. He continued with his ministrations and—

 _Soulmates only cause pain_.

Iruka couldn’t be his home.

~*~

Akagi, fortunately, made it out alive. Once they arrived at Konoha, they were immediately assisted and the rest was history.

Kakashi's broken ribs, and wounds were also treated and his recovery was surprisingly fast, however, since there was an incident, it also meant no missions for a while.

It also meant he had a lot of time avoiding a certain someone.

It had been weeks since he had last seen Naruto, but he knew he would be fine. Naruto would always be fine, that boy was like a lucky charm to himself so Kakashi need not to worry.

What worried him though was, after a few weeks spent cooped up, avoiding any social interactions, and just plain training himself to be better in accepting pain, Kakashi found himself in front of the Hokage, all ready and recovered.

He should be excited, this means he would get to have a new mission, however, Iruka also stood beside him, nodding along with everything the Hokage was saying. Apparently, the two of them were given a mission—to escort a rich lady to the land of the Moon.

Kakashi would take any kind of mission, any time of the day but being paired up with the person he had successfully dodged for a whole month? Kakashi gave the Sandaime a few looks but the Hokage wasn’t even sparing him a glance.

So now, he found himself walking side by side with Iruka as they lead the way while Hana, their client, was behind them along with two of her non-shinobi bodyguards.

Things couldn’t get any worse because Lady Hana was, how to say, very affected in everything around her. Like for example, they had just been walking for 15 minutes when she declared that she was tired and needed to rest under a tree. Or when they saw a cat passing by, she ordered one of her guards to grab the cat and the other to go grab food for it—take note, they were kind of in the middle of the forest so it only resulted with them wasting 30 minutes just to wait for the other to locate any food.

The journey through the land of the Moon wasn't that far, and he expected to get her home tonight but Lady Hana loves to take her time. Two hours and 5 stops later, Kakashi decided to call it a day. The sunset had already shown itself and there was no point in spending the night in the forest. Fortunately, they found an Inn nearby and Lady Hana had gladly bought three rooms.

_Three._

Kakashi sat by the chair, looking out through the window as the wind blew softly against his face, the words of Lady Hana echoing in his brain.

_“One for me,” She grinned as she dangled a key that clearly indicates it was for a suite room. “Another is for them,” She gave a set of keys to her bodyguards before turning around to look at him. “And this is for you and Iruka-san,”_

_“B-but, don’t we need to have separate—”_

_“No worries, Kakashi-san, my room is in the middle of yours and my bodyguards so if anything bad happens, I could call you all immediately,”_

Kakashi sighed before removing his hatai-ate. His concern didn’t contain about his worriedness for nearer bedrooms, it was about the separated rooms, he could take another room alone, but what could he do? She paid for all of this and Kakashi—Kakashi looked at the lone bed in the middle of the room.

She didn’t even get the two separate beds.

The bathroom door opened and Kakashi forced himself to stay still, eyes outside as he heard footsteps tapping against the tiled floor. The smell of woods and mint evaded his nostrils when Iruka stood the opposite side of the table, already dressed in his usual shinobi blues without the vest.

“There’s still hot water,” Iruka spoke and it made Kakashi realize that throughout the exhausting journey, they haven't had a normal conversation yet. “Maybe later,” His voice came out a little hoarse as Kakashi tried his best to keep himself composed.

These past few weeks had been hard for him. He tried to forget everything that was Iruka. He tried to remember everything he had loss when he met him, but somehow, it only pained him more with the idea of him avoiding Iruka further.

No one deserved to be avoided without any reason.

But Kakashi had a reason, right? He—they were soulmates and he doesn’t want a soulmate. He doesn’t like how Iruka was so warm, how his smile could outshine any light, and how—how he can feel pain meeting him. Soulmates came with pain.

It’s not—

Kakashi immediately backed up, head snapping towards Iruka who had his arm raised up and eyes open wide. “What are you—”

“Sorry, I—there was dirt on your hair…”

They stared at each other for a while, Kakashi’s lone eye took in every detail that was blanketed by the moonlight. Iruka had his hair down this time, still a little wet but looked so soft.

Iruka decided to break the silence as he reached up again, cautious this time, and Kakashi let him. Their eyes never broke contact as Iruka touched Kakashi’s hair gently.

Then he smiled, pearly whites showing. He retracted his hand and showed Kakashi a leaf held between his two fingers. “Taking Konoha citizenship to the next level?”

Kakashi huffed under his mask, feeling his cheeks heating up. He doesn’t know why but Iruka was still smiling, his head now rested on his palm as he twirled the leaf using the pads of his fingers.

Iruka looked serene. A glowing light against the darkness surrounding him.

“You…” Kakashi watched as Iruka held the leaf up between them, only to close one eye as if he’s trying to compare the leaf and Kakashi’s face.

What was he doing?

“Who are you, Kakashi Hatake?” Kakashi’s lone eye widen in surprise, suddenly feeling all exposed as Iruka continued to look at him with the leaf in between. His heart was beating loudly, it even scared him for Iruka might hear how loud it was.

Every beat ringing in his ears.

“I’m just… Kakashi,”

Kakashi jumped a little when Iruka threw the leaf out of the window, both men followed it with their gazes as it flew off against the wind.

“You just reminded me of someone…”

“Hm?” Kakashi decided it’s better to look anywhere else except his eyes.

“Yeah, just—maybe a friend.” Iruka shrugged his shoulders as he stood up and shook his head causing some water to drop everywhere, even on Kakashi but he doesn’t mind. He kept his eyes glued on Iruka.

“Let’s drink,”

-

Forcing himself to tighten up and hide from his soulmate was bad enough, however, being a little drunk with the person you planned to not get to know further was worse. Iruka grinned lazily, raised his glass in the air as he shouted in glee. It’s nearing midnight and Kakashi knew both of them were drunk enough to erase all their stress for the day but not drunk enough to not be able to wake up tomorrow. They talked but to a minimum. It was always Iruka who did the talking.

They talked about Konoha, the kids at the Academy, his co-teachers that were kind of annoying. And Kakashi just accepted all the information given to him. Iruka was a good example of a perfect shinobi. He was caring, strong, stubborn, and punctual. All the things Kakashi never was, of course, strong and stubborn wasn’t included.

Kakashi also shared some, just information that was already known, like his birthday, missions he went to, and just boring stuff, according to Iruka.

“Some old geezers at the academy are really something,” Did Kakashi mentioned that somehow, in the kind façade, Iruka had a potty mouth. It was cute.

_Cute._

Kakashi drank a shot of sake.

“Sometimes it makes me wonder why I became a sensei—oh wait,” Iruka laughed and it made Kakashi suspect that there was something more to it. And he can’t help but ask why. The sensei tilted his head, mouth formed into a pout before grinning. He took the shot glass and downed its content in one go.

It landed on the table with a loud clank as Iruka released a hiss of satisfaction. “Well, after my recovery, I decided that the work field might not be for me. At first, I was skeptical about being a teacher but not much after a week, I enjoyed it.”

“Recovery?”

“Ya know, soulmates.” Iruka raised his brow, hand grabbing for another shot of sake but Kakashi beat him to it. Just the word soulmate coming out from Iruka’s pretty mouth made him nervous so he grabbed for the bottle and downed its remaining contents.

Iruka laughed as he watched Kakashi’s face contorted in disgust once he's done. “Wow, didn’t know you could do that,”

“Well, I’m full of surprises,” Kakashi said with a hoarse voice as the alcohol left a burning trail to his throat and down to his stomach.

“But anyway, yeah. I found my soulmate a year ago or so. And you know the consequences of soulmates. After 8 months, I stopped my healing process and proceeded to be a teacher,” Iruka shook his shoulder, his elbows on the table.

“Isn’t the required healing process supposed to be a year?”

“Yeah well, I’m full of surprises,” Iruka winked, playfulness was still in him but Kakashi’s remembered his own process. It was painful, slow, and he felt like dying. But Iruka only took 8 months? How? What did he do? Was there something wrong with his own recovery?

“Look, prideful jounin,” Iruka huffed as he puts his chin on his knuckles, “Those 8 months was a pain. I just got a little something so the Hokage allowed me to cut it short and became an academy sensei,”

“You were what?”

The playful air around them suddenly change, Kakashi felt it.

_Tense._

He might’ve triggered something because Iruka’s smile wasn’t present anymore but his gaze was glued on him, unmasking him, and forcing him to only keep his eyes on him.

“I was diagnosed with mild depression,”

Oh.

Neither adults move after that. Kakashi’s eyes went down, suddenly interested at the mahogany table before him. He could feel Iruka’s gaze on him and honestly, it made him a little uncomfortable. 

“Who wouldn’t right?” The sensei laughed a little before he sat back down on his chair but his hands remained flat on the table. “I met my soulmate on a battlefield, fainted, endured pain for the first time, and then became unsure of what do next,”

Kakashi couldn’t respond. The only thing that kept ringing in his brain was that Iruka remembered Hound. Unconsciously, Kakashi hugged his arms when he felt like his left arm was tingling, not noticing Iruka following his every move.

“I don’t know who he is, or if he’s still alive. The additional pain didn't help either especially the poison stuck in me for weeks. There was that point I thought that dying might be a good idea to end all of this,”

Kakashi gulped, suddenly felt all the guilt exiting his intoxicated body. Iruka was hurting. They both were. He thought Iruka looked fine, but he was stronger than he had thought. 

Much stronger than he was.

“Do you find this as a curse? This soulmate thing?” Kakashi asked, voice low.

“Why? Have you met yours?”

Moments of silence passed by before Iruka stood up, the scraping of the chair on the wooden floor had somehow snapped Kakashi back to reality. He looked up at Iruka as he stretched, releasing a yawn in the process. “Well, let’s go to bed,”

“I’ve met my soulmate,” He doesn’t know why but he felt like he needed to answer Iruka. The other paused mid-stretch, eyes on the wall before it glanced down at him. “So, is it a curse?”

Failing to provide an answer, Iruka sauntered over to the bed and sat down on the right side. Kakashi remained silent as he lets the noises from the outside cover this awkwardness around them.

_Kakashi should’ve not asked._

"Too bad we’re sharing beds, huh, Kakashi-san?”

That night, with Iruka’s back facing him, Kakashi observed how every breath Iruka took in, urged him to scoot near his soulmate, hug him and beg for the pain to stop. He quietly moved his hand and touched the tips of Iruka’s brown hair. As suspected, it was soft on his skin.

It made his insides churn.

He shouldn’t.

Soulmates only cause pain, look at how Rin cried as she held onto Obito’s hand. His father’s face every time he stared at his mother’s picture. Naruto’s cries for his dead parents.

But Iruka’s smile magically replaced those bitter images.

Kakashi bit his lips and turned around, away from the sight of his soulmate.

_Away from him._

-

It was supposed to be an easy mission considering that the whole journey was quiet when they had successfully escorted Lady Hana to the village, she thanked him and both of them were ready to leave. Since they won’t have to do a lot of stopovers, Kakashi and Iruka’s journey would be cut short.

It was nearing afternoon, halfway to Konoha, when five assassins appeared. It seemed like they were looking for Lady Hana’s golds but were too late, they didn’t have a choice but to fight them off. It was easy, considering three of them doesn’t do any ninjutsu and Iruka had pretty much handled the three. It was now Kakashi and the other two jutsu users.

With his Sharingan exposed, he went into action. They exchanged a few taijutsu, Kakashi struggling a little when he realized that one of them doesn’t feel any pain, but quickly came up with a plan to drain the heck out of him. Few bruises, scratches, and wounds—it was painful but Kakashi could endure.

As he avoided mud spikes aimed towards him, he snapped his head to look at Iruka and saw him casting a sealing jutsu to his opponent, trapping the other in place. Kakashi landed on his knee and hands, skin scraping on the ground but he doesn’t have time to mind his pain because he saw one of those assassins behind Iruka.

The bastard swung a sword on Iruka’s shoulder, the vest and shirt ripping as blood splashed out. Iruka shouted in pain, the trap he held in his hand became disturbed causing the assassin from earlier to be released. 

The fifth time Kakashi saw red was this— Iruka on a thick tree branch, panting with blood dripping down his shoulders. Kakashi breathed in, Sharingan spinning wildly as he flickered right behind the one who hurt Iruka. Before the enemy could process the sound of electricity clapping, he froze, eyes whitening as he fell off the tree lifelessly with Kakashi's right hand dripping with blood.

Kakashi huffed angrily, his head a little dizzy as he went down to check on Iruka but—

“Kakashi!”

His flak jacket, dirty and muddy, started to darken as the sword impaled on his side was pulled out. He fell sideward, limbs paralyzed by shock and pain as he crashed on the ground with a loud thud along with the sound of his ribs cracking.

Kakashi breathed in but was cut short when it felt like his insides had shards of glasses in them. He saw the enemy coming down, feet ready to kick but was unsuccessful when Iruka’s trap caught the opponent in mid-air and received a ninjutsu from Iruka above.

Kakashi could only do nothing but lay there on the ground, eyes up at the sky above. It was blue with a tinged of amber, there were no birds in sight, maybe it got scared with all the commotion they’ve caused. He tried to breathe in, slowly this time but his ribs cracked at every small motion he made that caused tears to escape his eyes.

_It hurts._

Was this how dying was?

Even though the stab didn’t affect any vital area of his body, but this was the first time he got pierced ever since _that_ day. It’s felt like his insides were in a blender, bones, and meat colliding, bruising him from inside out, and Kakashi—Kakashi gasped once he felt a soothing sensation on his wound. At the corner of his eyes, he saw Iruka trying his best to heal him, to patch up everything that was broken.

Kakashi also noticed fat, ugly tears pouring down those warm eyes of his soulmate.

_It hurts._

Kakashi closed his eyes when dizziness started to consume him along with the darkness. He could smell blood, the same stench his father was drowning on.

He heard his name.

But it just hurts so much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Iruka's POV next ? :D
> 
> It's also funny because I used Hana because it's my name hahaha basically I gave them a single room lmao


	4. to carry your load

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> _Hear you falling and lonely, cry out  
>  "Will you fix me up? Will you show me hope?  
> The end of the day, I'm helpless  
> Can you keep me close? Can you love me most?_
> 
> _-Someone to Stay by Vancouver Sleep Clinic_

_I want to keep faith, but you're making it harder_ _  
I’m reaching out now but you're pulling me under  
I give you my all just to watch you waste it_

There were moments where he had questioned why love sounded so good, but so painful at the same time?

He knew the definition of love, and what it could do and could bring. For a kid like him, love was supposed to be all happy smiles, a walk in the park, a hot bowl of ramen, and his parents.

That was love. Not blood, screams, and tears.

But he was just a kid back then when he first saw blood. If it weren’t for his mother, he wouldn’t even recall any of it.

Little Iruka was just playing near a stream that’s just a few walks behind their house. Little hands grasped anything in sight, laughing at everything he chased, all carefree and happy—just expected as a child. Until he climbed up a tree, curious and wanting to get a good look of that squirrel, but one foot on the wrong branch, it snapped and scraped his face with the sharp end of the broken branch.

He laid on the ground for a moment, wide eye and in shock of what just happened. He tried to move, see if he couldn’t but surprisingly he felt fine like he just didn’t fell from a tree that was taller than his dad.

When he reached home, that’s where the blood was.

His mother had this worried face on her as she dabbed ever so softly the damped cloth on his face. The white fabric slowly turning to red at every wipe over the long scratch that ran across his cheeks. She said it would scar after, he asked what that was, but she just smiled and sighed in relief when she scanned his body further.

He felt nothing when the nurse bandaged up his scar and his arms, but it sure felt nice when his mother held his hand as they exited the hospital.

  
“Iruka, let’s go to the south area,” One of his comrades commanded, snapping Iruka out of his thought. He looked at his fellow chunin and gave a nod before following him through houses and buildings that still stood amidst the ongoing invasion.

It was nice to reminisce about the sweetness of his mother for a while during these horrid attacks. Anxiety was slowly rising up within him as they passed by more broken homes, and the memory of his mother had somehow calmed him.

His home, the village, was under attack again by an unknown force. Iruka was just chilling at the lobby with two of his friends when they heard an explosion not too far away from them, and then the emergency drums had banged and all active and inactive shinobis were all called. They did the usual drill, being chunins they need to evacuate the kids and elderly first, and then look for others who’re injured and needed assistance.

After a few moments of looking for other civilians or shinobis that needed help, and avoiding running with the jounins who were busy handling the bad guys, Iruka found a ruined house with a kid crying for help. He jumped, landing perfectly beside the sobbing boy, all bruised and snotty. Iruka was about to check for his injuries when the said boy pointed. Iruka’s heart jumped out of his chest, quickly running towards the fallen debris.

  
The second time Iruka saw blood was when his mother was in front of him, kneeling down to match his height and smiling beautifully while a dry trail of blood was painted on her forehead and at the corner of her lips “Go with him, Ruka-chan. He’ll bring you to a safe place,” She said, ever so lovely and beautiful, still smiling as if behind her didn’t exist. As if the monster causing havoc behind her was just like one of those things he read on his books.

Iruka had tears running down his scarred cheeks, his gentle protest ignored as both of his parents just looked at him. But then, his father, so handsome and brave, also sporting blood-stained cheeks, beamed him a smile with his hand on his hair.

“We love you so much, Iruka,”

“Iruka…” His mother cupped his cheeks, her blood-stained cheeks were now also covered with tears. She pressed their foreheads together, the metal on his mother’s hiati-ate was cold on his skin but he accepted it as he looked at her beautiful brown eyes. “Be a good man, okay? Be forgiving and always, _always,_ listen to yourself,”

That was the last thing he remembered vividly of his parents before looking at their picture among thousands of others that were surrounded by flowers.

Amidst his own bruises and wounds from the aftermath, Iruka felt no pain.

But it sure stung when he was handed his parents’ picture after the memorial.

  
Iruka hurriedly lifted the debris off of the boy’s mother, hoping and praying that she would be safe, that she’d be able to continue guiding this poor boy.

The chunin lets out a sigh of relief once she was free and breathing. With gentle movements, he helped her up and puts a healing hand on her shoulders after. The boy was instantly beside them, crying while his small hands clutched on his mother’s shirt. She gently shushed him, like how his mother does whenever he got scared of the thunder. Iruka smiled gently when he’s done patching her up.

Fortunately, another chunin showed and volunteered to take them to the shelter.

A few more agonizing and tiring moments of helping out, Iruka found himself trapped with two Mist-nins causing havoc throughout. He knew he wasn’t a match for them but he needed to do his best in order to protect Konoha. _His only home._

Iruka jumped, throwing a dozen shuriken at the nin who blocked his weapons with a mud wall. He hissed, running off towards the left to get a good target, but his companion was already in front of him and slapped him hard, his body flailed backward, heard a few bones break but it doesn’t hurt. 

  
The third time Iruka saw blood was during their chunin exams, his childhood friend, Mizuki, was in a battle with another Konoha genin. It was going well, the battle started off hot but then suddenly, Mizuki released an eerie scream that caused the match to end immediately.

His friend and the other genin were both crying, unable to move as a bunch of medic-nins took them out of the field.

Iruka watched in fear as his friend was taken away. With trembling eyes and lips, he quickly went towards his jounin-sensei. She calmed him down first, ordering him to sit outside the hall with a drink in hand. When he was calm enough, his sensei sat down beside him as she explained that the reason Mizuki’s in pain was that he met his soulmate—the other genin.

“So you’ll be hurt if you meet your soulmate?” Iruka asked, wide brown eyes looking up at his sensei, who was smiling and proceeded to explain more.

 _Soulmate and pain._ Iruka learned that one would feel physical pain when they get to touch the one that’s fated for them for the first time.

The pain doesn’t matter, Iruka thought, eye sparkling with joy as his jounin-sensei continued to tell him more about soulmates.

Someone fated for him.

_He won’t be alone._

He’ll have someone to tell how his day went, they could read a lot of books together, and he’ll have someone to spend his empty life with. The idea of a soulmate made him stronger.

Iruka couldn’t wait to meet them, couldn’t wait to give all the hugs he could. All the care he could offer, like what his parents had shown him.

  
The fourth time Iruka saw blood was when an _ANBU_ appeared once he had called out for help. ANBUs were notorious when it came to speed, agility, and strength so it amazed Iruka how the ANBU had fought so graciously even when his leg was badly bleeding. Iruka wanted to help, seeing how the wound on the ANBU’s leg peeked out from the damaged gauze wrapped around it, but the ANBU was unstoppable as he continued to fight. Iruka just resumed his task in making sure no civilians were present at their location.

After confirming that the vicinity was clear, the chunin snapped his head back to where the ANBU had just finished one enemy. He was partly relieved and worried, the ANBU was bleeding a lot, however, at the corner of his eyes he saw the other Mist-nin grabbing something from his pack behind. Before the enemy could carry on with whatever he’s planning, Iruka’s body moved.

He called for the ANBU as he ran.

Ran and ran until he reached for the ANBU’s shoulders, puts all of his weight over that resulted in them landing on the ground with the ANBU’s armor clanking loudly. Iruka gasped, felt all the air knocked out of him as his chest landed on the hard armor. He cheered internally for saving the ANBU, Iruka thought they had successfully missed a dozen flying senbon—until an electrifying feeling shot up from his ankle up to his legs and thigh.

The feeling was unfamiliar, nothing like what Iruka had felt before and he found himself frozen on top of the ANBU, who was groaning. Iruka suddenly felt afraid of everything that’s happening to his body. He couldn’t move his legs, seemed to be stuck. Iruka became more scared when the ANBU gently sat up and laid his tense body on the ground beside him.

_It—_

Iruka took in a deep breath but halted once he felt something in his inside that was preventing him to do so. He opened his mouth, wanting to call out for help but all he could do was to look at the expressionless mask before him.

He’s like a fish gasping for air on dry land.

_  
It—_

  
Suddenly, he wasn’t on the grass anymore. He was on the roof and still with the ANBU before. He had flickered them away, Iruka realized, as the sudden movement made his stomach churn. Iruka gasped, closing his eyes in the process, trying to push away the bile wanting to come out.

The feeling was so unfamiliar, so confusing, Iruka wanted to cry out—and he did. Once the ANBU touched his shoulders. His own arms automatically wrapped themselves around his body. The ANBU’s touch was like fire, something hot but at the same time, something more- like every bone in his body was sharp and bumping into each other that it made him hard to breathe in.

_It—_

When cold, rough hands cupped his face, Iruka screamed again that caused him to open his eyes, ready to yell at whoever dared to give him this uncomfortable feeling.

Then he saw porcelain mask, moonlight colored hair peeking behind. Iruka stared, the prickly feeling in him was too much that it made tears pool in his eyes.

But he kept looking at the ANBU. Still trying to process if this was—he saw red in one eye slit, from the left side.

_It hurts._

As if the world around him stopped, his body sagged against the roof as his lids fluttered shut and he was welcomed by darkness.

He felt weak, felt drained as if that ANBU had a special jutsu that drained chakra. It confused him to the point he hated everything right now. He hated how he couldn’t move.

_Am I dead?_

He wondered if he was, but it can’t be. He still felt peevish especially his foot. Then again, he wasn't so sure what had happened to him. 

However, a loud scream echoed through the quietness around him. It was so loud, helpless, and raw that Iruka couldn’t help but remember how his friend had screamed when he felt pain for the first time.

_Afraid and hurt._

It was the ANBU. The one who helped him. He was in agony.

_Soulmate._

_Pain._

Someone dropped down near him, the familiar clank of ANBU armor was heard followed by muffled sobs.

Iruka tried to open his eyes, wanted to give comfort to the ANBU before him but only managed to take a peek. Thin lips and a beauty mark greeted his blurry vision and locks as white as the moonlight above.

And then it’s black again.

~*~

Iruka believed that once he got past the physical pain, he would be fine. He’d be able to get up and do the thing he wanted the most, again. However, not everything can go according to plan.

His healing process was very painful. Each step, each prick of a needle to numb him up only added more unbearable pain to his already aching skin. And the thought of his soulmate wasn’t helping either.

His soulmate was an ANBU, and he heard that an ANBU’s life expectancy wasn’t really at par with regular shinobi.

_He didn’t even get to see his whole face_

“After your healing process, you may continue on with taking your mission. For now, you need to rest.” It was the Sandaime, the one who he looked up to, the one who acted like a family when he felt so alone in this cruel world.

He was by the foot of his bed, smoking away on his pipe, his eyes, that doesn’t hold the same warmness as his parents, but was enough for Iruka, was looking at him in contemplation.

Iruka just nodded but winced when the sprain in his neck prevented him to move further.

_Hurt._

In the midst of his process, it was slow and depressing. Every time the medic-nin would help him lift up a dumbbell, he would tear up and request for their session to stop. It just hurts so badly, like all the bruises and wounds he had up until that day all came crashing down on him, drowning him to the point he needed to gasp with every small lift.

Iruka was well aware that chakra reserves took a great part in the process, he also knew he doesn’t have much that every moment he tried to heal himself- he was just unable to. Unable to even grasp the thought of his soulmate as days, weeks, and months passed by like a blur full of anesthetic and pain.

Iruka wasn’t getting weaker as time flies, he wasn’t even getting stronger. He had also been crying a lot. He missed his parents, he missed how his mom would always make him his favorite food whenever he got sick, how his father would cheer him up with his silly antics and stories.

_It hurts._

Both inside and out.

And his soulmate. _His ANBU._ Whoever he was, he hoped he’s thinking about him, because honestly, the thought of his soulmate was the only thing he’s clinging onto. Iruka hoped his soulmate wasn’t like him. Weak and scared, can’t endure the pain, and slowly succumbing himself to the sadness as the same process of _getting used_ to the pain choked him, which ended with him breaking into a bad seizure. The nurses quickly surrounded him and all Iruka could think about was a porcelain mask and thin lips.

A month had passed, Iruka made a request to go outside and breathe some fresh air. The doctor granted him his wish and there he found himself with a nurse pushing him in a wheelchair. He had been training to walk properly, but of course, he still wasn’t strong enough.

Was this punishment? Iruka thought, eyes glued on the setting sun before him. The lovely hue of orange and yellow mixed in with the faded blue from the skies above was beautiful. It reminded him of the days where he could play freely until nightfall, or when his mother called out to him.

Iruka suddenly glanced down, felt something drop on his hand, and saw it was a tear. He was crying. Tear after tears dropped down, hands fidgeting with one another as he let himself go. Watching the sunset while crying for his life.

Change was hard. But Iruka was willing to accept it. But he doesn’t know how. The smell of the hospital sickened him, especially the idea of his soulmate—where was he? Was he dead? Was he crying?

_I hope you’re okay._

The day had ended fairly quickly, Iruka laid still in his wheelchair for he became tired even though he didn’t do anything. Lately, even breathing was tiring for Iruka.

The night was calm as the medic-nin pushed him gently through the empty hallway that reflected light that came from the moon above. Iruka tried to keep his eyes open, wanted to see the glow of the moon outside but then, someone caught his attention.

The first thing that came to his mind was _ANBU_. But it wasn’t an ANBU, it was a person, on the other side of the hallway wearing a hospital gown and a surgical mask.

Since he had been crying, his eyes were shut but he could see the other limping, struggling to walk and murmuring something that quietly echoed through the hallway.

The said person froze once they were known, his gaze averted down immediately, and Iruka could clearly saw wild locks as white as the moonlight.

The medic-nin said a little greeting as they neared and Iruka chose to close his eyes when he noticed how the other flinched at their mere presence.

He could feel it, Iruka thought, _it’s him._

_His soulmate._

And he’s avoiding…

Needless to say, that night Iruka cried again until he couldn’t breathe and was forced to suck in an oxygen mask.

~

“They look so happy, huh?” After another month, Iruka was able to walk. _Finally._ He was still limping but was given permission to go outside and visit places on his own. He still needed to go back to the hospital because admittedly, he still couldn’t survive the night alone.

He kind of missed his apartment.

The moment he was given the news, the Sandaime had called for him.

They were at the park, seated on one bench as they watched kids playing unabashedly. It made Iruka remembered those days where he was so playful—happy, unafraid, curious, and no physical pain. But now, here he was, seated and groaning because of his hurting back.

Iruka had asked himself if the world was really cruel enough to allow them to live in one where you're unable to feel physical pain until you touch your soulmate. The emotional pain was something else, but to add more pain just to meet the one? 

A small price to pay. 

However, Iruka was willing to experience anything.

But was slowly losing hope when he remembered that day he saw him, who _he’s sure_ was his soulmate, avoiding him, flinching when he saw his weakened state.

_He didn’t even bother to check on him._

Iruka guessed that his ANBU probably already knew who he was. His face was out in the open, easy to distinguish, and easy to know, while _he_ was hidden so selfishly that it irked him. It’s so unfair. All he wanted was for someone to share this pain but—

“Yes, Hokage-sama,” Iruka answered sternly, his whole body slumped on the bench as they continued to watch the kids play.

“Iruka, how long have you been in the hospital?”

Iruka’s eyes shot up with one brow raised, “Almost eight months, but it felt like years, to be honest,”

“I heard what happened to you…”

Oh.

Three months after he started his recovery, Iruka had been diagnosed with mild depression. They said it was because of the sensation of undergoing physical pain for the first time, which they all said was common for other shinobis, and some said it might be because of being stuck for too long in a hospital.

Iruka wasn’t really sure, the only fact he knew was that all the things and people he had lost during his life came crashing down on him, like a brick, so heavy and suffocating.

And his soulmate, the one who he might not ever meet again.

The countless, sleepless night kept his brain up, thinking of possible people having the same features. Unfortunately, there were plenty of people with the same silver or white hair so it could be anyone—or not.

Maybe the thought of his soulmate being dead added up to his hopelessness.

_He’s an ANBU, what does he expect? Prince charming coming up to him, running with a bouquet in hand?_

“Do you want to try being a teacher assistant at the Academy?”

“What?” Iruka slowly turned to face the Sandaime, who still had his eyes glued at the children with a smile etched on his face.

A teacher? What would it bring him? Children were fun but they’re too excited, too loud, too—

“Try it Iruka, for a week. And then if it brings you joy, I’ll help you apply as a sensei,”

So he did. And it worked. His despair and loneliness were easily forgotten by spending a few hours a day helping children around. He enjoyed it, every single moment, that every time he goes back to the hospital to take his daily dose of medicine, he would just hiss as the needle pricked his skin.

“I hope you will let me pass this Will of Fire you have taught me when I was young. I want to ignite them, teach them, and guide them.” He bowed and waited for any response from the Hokage. When he received approval and a smile, he was so relieved he could cry.

“I will also stop your healing process. I think the children are healing you enough. This is the first time I saw you smile again,”

“Thank you so much, Hokage-sama…”

They talked animatedly for a while with Iruka telling stories of his week at the Academy. He’s still adjusting, but the kids had already captured his heart and his will. The Sandaime asked him if he was sure of it and he was, even if he doesn’t have to go to missions regularly, at least he’s happy.

After that, it was time for goodbyes and time for Iruka to pack his things back to his apartment. The Sandaime followed him outside the tower, congratulating him like how a father would, “Anything else you want to ask before you go off, Iruka-sensei?”

Iruka fought off the urge to blush at what he had just been called. It’s new, it was refreshing. But then, the thing he kept pushing at the back of his mind suddenly reappeared.

_Soulmate._

“Pardon me, Hokage-sama, but I do have a question and I hope you’ll be able to provide me an answer,”

“Go ahead,”

Iruka breathed in slowly, averting his gaze to the Sandaime’s eyes. “You’re aware of who’s my soulmate, right?” When he received no reaction, he continued. “Just tell me, before I leave the hospital. Was he there the whole time?”

That night, Iruka looked at the two bags all packed up on the table. He had double-checked everything, not leaving a single personal belonging for he doesn’t want to come back here anymore.

He’s healing.

He’s—

His soulmate was here. Still here and Iruka couldn’t bear the thought that he might be right, that his soulmate was really avoiding him.

~*~

Being a teacher had its ups and downs, the downside was the weapons, like shuriken during practice throws, were dangerous. Iruka had only been teaching for a month and when one pre-genin accidentally impaled a shuriken on his arm, he yelled out in pain and was bought to the infirmary.

It hurts so much that Iruka had was still sniffing that night.

He had never been pierced since _that_ day. He knew the kid didn’t mean it either but it still hurt. After a few days, he was back and received a ton of welcome back messages from his class. The kid who accidentally threw the shuriken apologized with a pout and said he’ll be careful next time.

The bright side of it, since every day at the Academy was like a battlefield on its own, Iruka had a high endurance regarding physical pain, he had somehow gained more durability during his time as a teacher and it made him happier to think he’s healing and being happy at the same time.

Wounds and bruises still made him hiss, but not that much.

His progress was fast, Iruka couldn’t ask for more, and with that, somehow the thought of his soulmate only haunted him whenever he couldn’t sleep at night.

He wondered where he was. Was he happy? Was he in pain?

_Does he think of me?_

Sometimes he thought of going to the hospital, open every room occupied, and just—just see _him_ and asked if he wanted him still. If the thought of having someone fated for you made him happy.

Iruka had been given a lot of clues regarding people with silver or white hair, according to his friend Izumo, the most famous one was Kakashi Hatake. He had heard of him, the famous friend killer who suddenly disappeared and then returned as a jounin.

_Because he found his soulmate._

But it can’t be, right? Kakashi was someone who looked so unreachable, so cold and cruel. The ANBU who held him with worry wasn’t. His touch was warm, his gloved hands were rough but so gentle in holding him. Kakashi wasn’t.

Kakashi was trouble, Iruka thought as he remembered the day he knocked at the Hokage’s office. It seemed like they were in the middle of discussing something important, but the Sandaime still lets him in. So he did.

Wild silver hair greeted him and for a moment, Iruka was taken aback by the jounin’s presence but quickly organized himself when he noticed both men’s eyes were on him.

“Excuse me, Hokage-sama…” Iruka bowed then averted his gaze to Kakashi Hatake’s lone exposed eye.

Iruka’s breath hitched as a shiver ran down his spine. He didn’t know if it was from the coldness of his eye or—“Oh, hello…” He managed to mutter out calmly, looking directly at Kakashi’s eye.

As Iruka proceed to put the scrolls the Hokage needed to sign, he couldn’t help but feel like all eyes in the room were on him, and based on the tense atmosphere around, they’re conversing about something pretty private. He should’ve waited a little while.

Iruka was about to speak up when Kakashi beats him to it. He gave a bow to the Hokage, said some promises about something he doesn’t know, and for a moment, he kind of saw how genuine he was.

Then he left through the window.

Kakashi Hatake was _really weird._

And his weirdness apparently has another kind of level because when Naruto accidentally hit him with a shuriken, the blade digging in his thigh so painfully that but forced himself to stay calm and instruct the class to return back to their room.

After Iruka was done tending his wounds, he looked up and sensed him.

Kakashi was there. Up in a tree.

_Was he there the whole time?_

Iruka wasn’t sure how he knew but he just felt him. Like a voice inside his head told him to look up. Iruka would’ve scoffed for not helping him but then again, who was he to Kakashi?

Maybe the jounin was just there, chilling in his own weird jounin way.

So Iruka did what’s the most logical thing to do, leave.

Leave the jounin who’s on top of the tree.

-

Naruto’s a jinchuriki.

The nine-tails that destroyed their village, and the one who took away so many lives, including his parents, was sealed within the boy. But, as much as Iruka hated the nine-tails, it wasn’t Naruto. Naruto was just a child, doing a lot of pranks (that won’t pass the level of pranks he did back then, seriously, Naruto needed to up his game), and loves ramen.

Everyone almost avoided him, like some kind of germ no one wanted to be involved and it stung Iruka to know he might be one of them—clinging to the past, still hurt with the aftershock the thing inside Naruto had caused. But then again, he was just a kid. He didn’t choose to be the host.

And when Iruka found his soulmate, he knew his soulmate was avoiding him. He felt like shit and Naruto must’ve felt ten times worst.

He decided to talk to him, see who Naruto really was.

Iruka got to know him more when he caught him alone in the playground, he stopped when he saw those eyes that held the same longing he had whenever he looked at kids who had parents, who had someone to tell how their day went.

He remembered the time the Sandaime treated him to ramen.

Needless to say, a few ramen treats, and Iruka had understood what it felt like to have a little brother. He had loved Naruto the moment those blue orbs looked at him with longing, and Iruka swore that he would keep those eyes shining bright.

Iruka was sure that Naruto was also part of his healing process.

The day Iruka knew where the boy lived was the day he wanted to curse the world. How could someone let a child live in a horrid place, alone? His food was nearing expiry, the place was a mess (given that Naruto was still a child – who doesn’t really like to clean much).

He had thanked to the Sandaime and expressed his disappointment to him but, unexpectedly, all the Hokage said was that it was what the village could provide, giving that they lack budget.

It was unacceptable, sad, and Iruka can’t just stand there. So he found himself going in Naruto’s apartment, saw how messy it was inside with left-over ramen cups, and other shitty things a kid could eat. After a while, he started to clean inside while Naruto was still out with his newfound friends.

That’s where he was also caught cleaning Naruto’s place by the one and only, Kakashi Hatake.

In a fighting stance, Iruka’s heart drummed aggressively against his chest as Kakashi stared at him with his one eye widen in shock. It was awkward at first, why wouldn’t it be? They freaking met in a child’s apartment! Iruka was caught cleaning and Kakashi was caught going inside. 

Later on, he learned that in some ways, Kakashi adored the boy. Being his sensei’s son, he just dropped by to put some perishables in Naruto’s fridge. They talked for a little while before Kakashi thanked him for doing all of this without any hesitation.

Iruka felt his cheeks heating up, his heart skipping a beat but this time, it wasn’t because of shock. It was because Kakashi sounded genuine.

_He cared for Naruto. He had this warmness in him that that was hidden._

But that doesn’t mean he has gotten soft with him. Iruka gave a pointed look at the unwashed dishes when he noticed that Kakashi was just there, seated comfortably and watching him sweep. Fortunately, he got the signal and started to clean with him.

Iruka won’t deny that he enjoyed his company. Even if it’s quiet.

When Iruka was done sweeping and cleaning Naruto’s bed, he then proceeded to wipe the floor clean. As he was doing so and minding his own business, he heard faint footsteps from the window. Iruka looked up and at that moment his throat went dry.

There Kakashi was, standing before him with the window behind him. The afternoon glow from the setting sun behind sprayed Kakashi like some kind of unfathomable painting that Iruka wouldn’t mind staring at. His silver hair was a complete contrast to the burnt orange hue behind him, bringing out more of his paleness.

He felt like he was knocked off.

Iruka blinked when Kakashi suddenly cuts off their little staring contest, the jounin now was looking outside.

“Uh, I got to go,”

_That voice._

“Thank you, Kakashi-san…” Kakashi flinched and Iruka couldn’t help the smile coming up. And his smile widened as Kakashi turned back to look at him again.

“Oh…”

“I’m Iruka, by the way,”

“Well, Iruka-sensei, bye.”

Before Iruka could think properly, he said two words that shocked Kakashi, and even himself.

_“See you,”_

That night, Iruka laid awake on his bed, eyes glued at the ceiling as the dreaded thought of the possibility of Kakashi Hatake being his soulmate ran in his mind.

_What if he was?_

Kakashi was the perfect description of his ANBU soulmate. With a shock of silver-white hair, completely mysterious, and the fact that his face was hidden almost completely— _still, it can’t be._

Iruka kicked his blanket, feeling frustrated at himself because as much as he hated to admit it, the weird jounin was unpredictably likable.

_It might be him._

But he pushed that thought at the back of his mind. He shouldn't.

Kakashi was just a random shinobi that fits _his ANBU_ _description_. And as much as Iruka wanted to not think about that weird, intriguing jounin, their frequent meeting continued on. They would clean Naruto’s apartment when they deemed it to be too dirty enough while the boy was out.

It was like fate wanted them to meet. Every single time, either it’s Iruka who arrived first or—wait, Kakashi never arrived first. But still, even if they didn’t talk that much, it continued on for a month. A month of Kakashi visibly in Iruka’s face, a month of Kakashi occupying his already bundled up mind.

The more he looked at Kakashi, the more he fits perfectly.

Then something unforeseen happened. While cleaning Naruto’s messy closet, Iruka heard a loud clink of metal hitting metal and turned around to see Kakashi struggling in fixing Naruto’s broken water pipe.

Iruka chuckled to himself, stood up, and proceeded to help him when the pipe suddenly exploded and he was greeted by a wet Kakashi.

He should be laughing by now, at how the perfect shinobi they all thought Kakashi was- now dripping wet and cursing just because he couldn’t fix a damn pipe.

But the thing was, Kakashi wore a simple blue shirt that day, half of it was wet and clinging to his toned body.

_And Iruka saw a faint red swirl on his left shoulder._

As another sleepless night arrived, Iruka just stared outside his window as the word _soulmate_ kept repeating in his mind.

_Are you my soulmate, Kakashi?_

~*~

Sometimes Iruka questioned how his sanity was, how and where does he get all this positive attitude all of the sudden. He woke up perfectly fine, brushed his teeth, ate, and went on his usual weekend routine. Naruto would be out playing with his friends that afternoon, meaning its cleaning time.

Iruka decided to be a little too early, clean the place, and—and offer Kakashi food and maybe talk to him more. Get to know him because maybe, just maybe, if he really was his soulmate then Iruka’s willing to listen to his story.

Call him crazy but his heart raced every time Kakashi was near.

But then his heart broke when Kakashi entered and left right away.

Iruka wasn’t stupid. He noticed. Noticed how Kakashi was so cautious around him, how he was careful with every word he answered. How his silver hair matched _his ANBU._

How it made sense that he saw red through the eye slits of his ANBU because—because of the low glow of a Sharingan.

Iruka stared at the untouched oranges as tears after tears fell down. Kakashi Hatake was so fucking obvious it made Iruka mad.

So mad that he left, and after two weeks, there were no signs of Kakashi Hatake. He swore he would punch him if he saw him again. He badly wanted to grab onto those perfect locks and bang his head against his because—because he’s hurt.

Physical pain, Iruka could accept, but this? Blatantly rejected by the person he had hope would make him feel somehow alive.

_But what if he’s not…_

“Please join us,” Iruka had concluded that whatever odds was there watching them, they thought it would be funny for Iruka to meet Kakashi again after two weeks.

Iruka hated it.

He also hated how he’s willing to accept Kakashi back when he did agree to join him and Naruto for ramen.

Iruka only acted properly because Naruto was with them, he was still mad at Kakashi for the sudden abandonment and already obvious truth. But the way Kakashi looked at Naruto so fondly, how he looked so uninterested but every time Naruto asked him something he would respond immediately.

He hated it when their eyes met and Iruka saw warmth in that lone eye. He knew Kakashi meant well. He was weird, awkward, and seemed to be in his own world most of the time but he’s a good guy.

When the time came to say goodbye after a failed invitation to go fishing, Iruka stood in front of Kakashi, all the while still sporting a smile.

Kakashi doesn’t deserve his rage, Iruka thought, maybe Kakashi was in too much pain to even comprehend everything.

“Kakashi-san,” Iruka called out and almost got knocked out at how surreal Kakashi looked with the setting sun behind him.

_He’s…_

Iruka remarked how Kakashi became so nervous in front of him, and somehow, Iruka felt how sorry he was for everything even without any words escaping that masked mouth.

Kakashi was cold, at the same time warmth. Like _his ANBU_.

“Come back home, soon,”

_He’s my soulmate._

Iruka didn’t get to see Kakashi again for a few more weeks, four weeks to be exact, he had been counting. Each day that passed by without any news of team Kakashi returning worried him. He has so many questions that still needed answers so when he heard Kakashi had returned, he waited. Waited until another two weeks had passed and Iruka had enough.

He had just exited the Academy, planned to ask Gai, or any jounin who knew where to find Kakashi but was stopped as the Sandaime stood before him. They talked for a moment as they roamed around the Academy- about the kids, the upcoming chunin exams, and of course, himself.

Since Iruka was still pretty occupied regarding the soulmate matter, as he and the Sandaime took a seat at an available bench inside, he decided now was the right time to pour out his thoughts.

“I think I know him,”

“Hm?” The Sandaime asked, raising an eyebrow at the chunin-sensei.

“Kakashi’s my soulmate, right?”

Iruka doesn’t know what stung the most, Kakashi avoiding him ever since that day, or the fact that he was right, that Kakashi was his soulmate because the Sandaime wasn’t answering and it only meant one thing

_His soulmate doesn’t want him._

“Iruka… Kakashi is…”

“Avoiding me?” Tears. Tears he had kept for almost a month came pouring down. His hiccups, ugly and hurt, echoed through the hollow hallway. A few more minutes, Iruka felt the Sandaime’s hand on his back, warm and light but still not enough.

Unlike Kakashi’s warmth. Unlike his presence.

“Iruka,” The Hokage started but his eyes remained glued to his hands on his lap. “Soulmates are very complicated, huh? We can’t choose who we wanted to be with, letting fate itself decide for us.”

Iruka remembered Kakashi’s kindness as he swept away at Naruto’s apartment.

“But I know there’s a reason for everything. You have grown into a fine shinobi, Iruka-kun. You’re strong, and you have a big heart… Soulmate or not, do not conclude everything on your own. Communicate, ask him everything that’s inside that pretty head of yours, and then that’s where you decided on what to do next.”

Iruka really didn’t know what to do next. He hasn’t talked to his friends after that big of a bomb information that landed on his face. He just kept going on with his routine of work, home, work home—until he was called by the Hokage and was standing next to the one and only Kakashi Hatake.

At first, he was skeptical about everything that’s happening. He was called for a mission- his first mission again after _that_ day. Second, he was to join forces with Kakashi Hatake. A jounin, who could take higher rank missions than this one. But he gladly accepted.

Kakashi accepted.

And they were walking alongside, with their client behind.

Through the journey they didn’t talk, Iruka worried a little for their client, Lady Hana, might notice the tense atmosphere between them and might send a complaint letter, so he decided to have random talks, regarding their location and other stuff that regards only about their mission.

He was disappointed, to say the least. Kakashi hadn’t made any effort to talk to him. He had a lot of things to explain and throughout, Iruka was hurting so badly.

Iruka sometimes thought of giving up his soulmate.

It’s unfair. For Kakashi to just go up and leave, and do whatever he wanted while Iruka—Iruka just stood at the sidelines as he waited patiently for his soulmate to come to him.

_He will never hurt his soulmate._

Iruka had _loved_ the idea of soulmates when he saw his mother tending to his father’s wounds. He wanted to do that, too. Have someone tend to his wounds, have someone to go home to.

_I want to save us, Kakashi._

And so, as Iruka exited the shower, already dressed in the usual shinobi blues with his hair down, still dripping. Kakashi wasn’t even looking at him when he walked over, “There’s still hot water,”

“Maybe later,” There it was, the coldness. The complete opposite of that worried ANBU he had saved back then. But that doesn’t mean they weren’t the same.

_Kakashi is both warm and cold._

“What are you—”

“Sorry, I—there was dirt on your hair,” Iruka was surprised at how Kakashi flinched away and admittedly, that hurts him. He saw Kakashi’s right eye widen, while his left, the one that held the Sharingan, was closed. As Iruka reached up to Kakashi’s silver hair, a short flashback of that ANBU who saved him entered his mind.

_You’re…_

Iruka grabbed the stray leaf and showed it to Kakashi, “Taking Konoha citizenship to the next level?” And Iruka regretted it immediately once he saw pink hue peeking out from the hem of his mask.

_You’re my…_

Slowly, his hand that held the leaf went up and Iruka closed his one eye as he puts the leaf over Kakashi’s whole face, as if it was a make-shift mask in his own perspective.

“You…” Kakashi muttered after, sounded so unsure of what Iruka was doing. But the chunin-sensei continued, eyeing how the whole leaf covered Kakashi’s face with his hair sticking out at the background.

“Who are you, Kakashi Hatake?” He murmured under his breath, heart beating loudly against his ribcages as he put his hand down.

He was greeted with Kakashi’s nonchalant expression. “I’m just… Kakashi,”  
_  
You’re my soulmate._

That night they drank, fully aware that they shouldn’t be drinking during a mission but it’s just one bottle, and one bottle wasn’t enough for both shinobi’s to get tipsy.

They talked about almost anything, Iruka spoke about the Academy, the kids, and Naruto’s well-being. He tried to pry something out of Kakashi but the usual, he’s as silent as the night outside them.

Until he told him about his depression during his recovery. Iruka wanted to see a reaction, anything just to check if he’s worried, or guilty. But he remained as stoic as ever.

Cold.

But Iruka continued to pour out his thoughts, hoping that along the way Kakashi would also open up to him, and Iruka would gladly open his arms for him.

“I don’t know who he is, or if he’s still alive,” He said while tracing the rim of his empty shot glass. Topics about soulmates were always interesting for Iruka. Getting to talk to Kakashi about it made it ten times more exciting. But what he didn’t expect was Kakashi’s next question.

Kakashi was so full of surprises.

“Do you find this as a curse? This soulmate thing?”

“Why? Have you met yours?” He barked back, a little too much than he expected but he waited. He always waited and honestly, he felt tired waiting.

When would he stop waiting?

As Iruka stood in front of Kakashi, stifling a yawn as he stretched away his limbs. He waited. Waited as his bones cracked softly at his ministrations.

“I’ve met my soulmate,” Kakashi spoke again and Iruka paused, arms falling down to his side and tried so hard to push back the tears that wanted to escape because the next thing he asked was something he wasn’t sure he was ready for an answer.

“So, is it a curse?” Foolish of him to expect a proper answer from a jounin who had been running away all his life. Iruka casually left his place and went to the bed, too hurt to even wait any longer. Too angry at himself and this fucked up system.

_Iruka should’ve not asked._

  
-

They lived in a world where one would be unable to feel physical pain until they touched their soulmate. Iruka had a few emotional pain he wanted to forget, but it was part of life. His father, who told him how he almost felt like dying once he met his mother but he didn’t give up because they healed each other.

_Soulmates heal._

Humans were such fragile creatures so maybe that’s why the odds made it like this, so they could get stronger, so they could fight for themselves in order to stay alive, in order to feel alive.

Iruka never wanted to hurt but he’s willing to meet the one who’d help him through everything. But as he puts his hand over Kakashi’s bleeding wound, it drowned it.

So much blood.

Tears poured down like rain, the droplets hitting Kakashi’s stained flak jacket as a reminder that all of this was real and Iruka needed to act fast because he can’t lose him.

_His soulmate._

His shoulder was badly wounded but it doesn’t matter. Nothing matters except Kakashi.

With a sniff, his other hand reached up and cupped Kakashi’s cheeks, “Kakashi!” He called out like how he had called out to his mother when he was taken away from them.

“Kakashi, stay with me,” He called out like how his friend screamed in pain for meeting his soulmate for the first time.

“Kakashi!” Kakashi’s eyes opened and Iruka saw the faint glow of his Sharingan.

His ANBU’s eyes were starting to look lifeless and Iruka intensified his healing chakra. “Stay with me, Kakashi. I’ll save you…”

_My ANBU, I’ll save you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all of your lovely comments really made my day, week, month!  
> thank u so much for liking this story~ every one of you are awesome and all lovely  
> thank you so much ;A;


	5. we need someone to hold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kiss me now and remind me why  
> I ever wanted to make you mine  
> And even though it hurts in this moment  
> I've always known it  
> You're the other half of my broken heart

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> henloo  
> oh god i got carried away with writing and too much details that's why it ended with 12k words! ahhhhHHhHHHh  
> thank you for the peeps who stayed and participated in kakairu mini bang, it was a joy joining and i hope i'll get to create more wonderful stories regarding this cute ship <3  
> also thank you for those who stayed, commented and gave kudos! you are all wonderful and lovely. you are appreciated and i give my sincere thank you from the bottom of my heart!  
> without further ado, enjoy the angst and happy ending hehe ;A;
> 
> ((do excuse any wrong grammar and spellings. Thank u bb))

_I can't let go when you still need saving  
But it’s killing me to love you_

Unable to grasp what was happening, Kakashi chose to ignore everything and proceeded to focus on someone, who was a few feet away from him. He couldn’t really determine who it was, but the aura that radiated from them was inviting, soothing as if every pain in Kakashi would vanish the moment he reached out.

So he decided he would.

He lifted his feet, wanted to step forward, but was somehow unable to do so. It frustrated him, angered him to know nothing’s going how he wanted to, to the point of his left eye spiked up in pain. Kakashi gasped, feeling a wet trail of tears running down his left eye, felt powerless as it continued to pour down, soaking up the mask he wore.

When would it stop hurting?

Suddenly, Kakashi was in his room, the one in the _manor_ where so much happy and painful memories resided. And he was a kid again. His eyes, both gray orbs and absent of the Sharingan, roamed around as a small crash of memories came from every item his eyes landed on.

Then, the sound of liquid hitting the floor below made him averted his gaze down. Both of his eyes widen once he saw his right hand. The middle of his palm was sliced open, blood slowly pooling in his tiny grasp while his left hand held a bloodied kunai.

Another fell on the floor, marking the tatami below. He remembered vaguely catching his blood, but right now, he’s letting it all flow down. The brown floor became darker as seconds passed by.

It looks painful, but he felt nothing.

“Kakashi!” Sakumo’s worried face welcomed him like wind, knocking Kakashi gently as he stared wide-eyed at his father, who looked like he hadn’t aged at all. He was panicking, the usual, looking around for something while muttering ‘cover’ over and over again.

It was a funny sight, to see his father all jumpy and worried over a simple wound. As his father found a discarded shirt, he quickly walked up to Kakashi and knelt down in front of him.

“What did I told you about going through my stuff?” He reprimanded, lidded eyes gazing at him wearily but Kakashi could see his relief when he pressed the cloth on his palm. Sakumo continued to tend his bleeding, dabbing the cloth gently, afraid it might hurt him.

_It felt nothing._

But why does Kakashi’s heart ached when he stared at his father's concerned face?

Then their eyes met, “You could be hurt,”

“What’s hurt?” Kakashi didn’t intend to ask but his mouth just moved on his own. He wanted to ask other stuff, some more important things regarding himself, not some shitty question like that, but then his father spoke, calm and still with that smile Kakashi tried to despite for leaving him all alone.

“Something that would make you feel _complete_. For now, let’s get that patch up, huh?”

The strong scent of rubbing alcohol greeted Kakashi once he managed to flutter his eyes open. It was a struggle, considering his eyes felt heavy and the stickiness around it didn’t help either. He scrunched his face, felt an itch on his cheek but his movement was stopped when his arms couldn’t even leave the mattress he’s resting on.

Kakashi blinked again, eyes adjusting to the dimly lit room, scanning his brain of any memories on where and why he’s in a room that smelled so clean. The first thing he did when his vision cleared up was to look to his left and paused when he finally spotted someone familiar.

Iruka.

A small smile sluggishly formed on Kakashi’s chapped lips, the skin stretching and stinging a little but he doesn’t mind. The pain doesn’t compare to the wild beating of his chest as he watched Iruka sleep peacefully.

Kakashi couldn’t recall the last time someone stayed for him. Yes, he had friends that visited him frequently whenever he came home chakra depleted, but no one stayed. No one took care of him at night when nightmares attacked him.

_But Iruka was here._

And just by knowing Iruka stayed sent some unexplainable feeling in his heart and down to the pit of his stomach. He had no idea how long he had been unconscious, no idea how long Iruka had stayed with him, or how he ended up home. He’s not complaining though, he was liking every moment and soaking up how Iruka’s long lashes kissed the top of cheeks in a gentle way, the long scar that ran across those smooth cheeks and nose. And that lips.

Kakashi doesn’t want a soulmate but—

Iruka shifted a little, his arms landing on his lap and that’s where Kakashi’s whole world froze.

Dread and realization crept up within him, his body going cold up to his fingertips as his soft smile quickly turned upside down once he noticed what was on Iruka’s lap.

_His ANBU mask._

Kakashi blinked, wanted to know if he’s dreaming or not, and he blinked again. It was still there, placed perfectly still on his lap, lean fingers above the mask as if Iruka’s afraid to break it.

His pulse increased the longer he stared.

_Why does..._

In a panicked state, Kakashi moved even before his brain could stop him. He reached for Iruka, wanted to take the mask and hide it away, but he screamed. His abrupt maneuver had pulled on his muscle, connected to his wound that caused a very sharp pain to erupt. Kakashi lets out a gasped after, felt like all the air in his system was knocked out for how breathless he was.

Iruka appeared immediately beside him, terrified eyes gazing down back and forth to his wound and his face while murmuring words that came out gibberish to Kakashi.

Kakashi’s world was spinning, body seemed to forget how to take in air because Iruka had one hand on his cheek, while the other found purchase on his wound. Kakashi cried once more when pressure was applied on his side—then the last thing he saw was Iruka’s teary gaze before his eyes rolled at the back of his head.

  
~*~

He had fainted again, Kakashi noticed as he woke up and was greeted in the same room and dimly lit lights. Squinted eyes fluttered open with a struggle, the sunlight coming from the window slowly welcomed him to consciousness. Kakashi tried to think about how long he had been asleep, but judging from how his back was stiff and hot on the sheets below, he estimated it’s been a while.

With stiff movements, he scanned around the spacy room, the small hope in him died down too quickly when he realized he was indeed alone. Kakashi sighed, slumping further into his pillow.

The quiet dripping sound of the IV connected to his wrist was the only thing that resounded through the room, apart from the annoying tick of a clock somewhere. As much as he hated not being able to move, he couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed at the lack of human presence. He knew he should be used with being alone but—Kakashi’s eyes widen a little as he remembered waking that ended up with him freaking out when he saw Iruka holding his ANBU mask.

His mask that he was sure was at his apartment.

Kakashi swore he wasn’t hallucinating before. Iruka was holding onto his mask as he slept.

Panic started to rise up within up but he calmed himself down by thinking of the possibility that Iruka might be calm about all of this. But he couldn’t.

He breathed in and hissed when a sharp pain on his side shot up.

Kakashi was well aware that he couldn’t keep this soulmate thing a secret. It would come out soon but not this sooner. Kakashi had no idea how to deal with this. Heck, he wasn’t even sure if when he’ll tell Iruka for his original plan was to despise him, avoid any chances of meeting and talking to his soulmate, but then he got to know Iruka.

And every time he saw him, every minute he got to know him deeply, the more he _wanted_ to tell.

For a moment Kakashi was amazed at the transition of his own feelings. He’s an ANBU for god sakes but then—Iruka Umino was intriguing and he couldn’t help it.

Speaking of the angel, the squeaky hinge of a door opening snapped Kakashi out of his thoughts. Narrow eyes glanced towards the door and spotted Iruka, as beautiful as before but looked so tired. Kakashi watched as the chunin-sensei walked in, closing the door behind with his foot for his hands were busy with plastic bags that were hanging on each wrists containing who knows what. Iruka wore something Kakashi never once in his life thought he would be able to see the other adorning. Iruka wore a sleeveless shirt, the same one he uses when he’s at ANBU.

Iruka looked good. His arms were toned- for an inactive shinobi. But what concerned him more was the taped up gauze on his shoulder.

He kept his eyes on him when his soulmate puts down the plastic bags on the table nearby, Iruka hissing under his breath when red marks remained on his wrists. Did Kakashi also mentioned that Iruka had his hair down?

Through all that trouble, it seemed like the chunin-sensei hadn’t realized his presence yet.

“Ruka…” His name came out as a whisper, throat still dry as a fucking dessert that it sounded so hoarse and scary.

“Fucking—” Iruka jumped a little, hair whipping back and glaring eyes landed on him but quickly melted into a relieved one. Iruka’s hands that were clutched a little too tight on the bag loosened as a soft call of his name escaped his lips.

“Kakashi,” Kakashi’s stomach churned at how vulnerable his name had escaped Iruka’s lips.

Few steps in and Iruka was beside him. The heat radiating from the chunin was warm and reassuring, it made Kakashi a little dizzy at how Iruka’s presence was just so good.

Unlike how he had woken up before, Kakashi was now calm. Gray orb stared into brown ones, looking for certainty of their situation right now. Kakashi wanted to speak, wanted to ask about _earlier_ but then, Iruka’s hand came up, carefully and silently asking for permission to touch him and Kakashi allowed him by closing his eyes.

A soft, warm hand landed on his forehead, pushing away messy fringes.

“How are you feeling?” As soon as Iruka spoke, hot breathe hitting his lips, Kakashi’s eyes snapped open. He came to the realization that he wasn’t wearing his mask.

His face was naked. Free for Iruka to see.

Seconds felt like hours as they continued on with their little staring contest. Iruka kept looking at his eyes as if his life had depended on Kakashi’s gray and red orbs. A hint of sadness covered Iruka’s expression, something he doesn’t like to see in the usually happy-go-lucky sensei.

_Why was he looking at me like that?_

Maybe it was out of pity, maybe because he’s thankful he had saved him.

_Does he know?_

“Kakashi…” Iruka finally muttered, pressing his forehead against his. Soft brown locks fell graciously at his ministration, caging their faces away from the world.

Iruka’s other hand came up to give heavenly touches on his scar, nimble fingers touched it ever so gently before hovering on top of his Sharingan.

It ached but somehow Iruka’s touch was soothing.

“You’re awake…”

“Yeah…” Kakashi answered in a heartbeat, afraid that if he kept Iruka waiting, he would disappear. His soulmate would—Kakashi lets out a breath when Iruka bumped his forehead against his, all traces of sadness disappeared and was quickly replaced with disappointment and mischief.

“I’ll call a medic, and then you’ll eat,”

“Iruka…”

“Don’t talk yet, Kakashi-san…”

_Iruka was both warm and cold._

-

Once the medic-nin was done poking around his wound, which hurts so much, and replaced the soiled bandages, Kakashi remained on his bed but seated this time. His pale hands laid gently on his lap making him feel like a behaved student while Iruka phased around the room, gathering some needed stuff to help him eat.

It confuses Kakashi. Why was Iruka still here when he obviously knows the truth? Was Iruka always this kind?

That thought was like a knife slicing his chest open.

Iruka doesn’t deserve all of this. He knew he couldn’t hide forever. Iruka was bound to know—but was Kakashi ready? Was he prepared to pour out all of his thoughts, his secrets, his loathe, and all the shitty things he had done?

Would Iruka hate him?

_Of course, he would._

Kakashi snapped out of his thoughts when the loud scrape of a wooden chair on the tiled floor resounded through. He looked to his left, saw Iruka beside him, still in the same outfit and hairstyle, looking so distressed but when his eyes land on him, Kakashi felt like a kid again.

He remembered crying for his father when he was taken away. It was vague, a memory pushed behind Kakashi because of embarrassment but he did cry. And now, Iruka’s eyes were so warm, so caring that Kakashi had the urge to cry.

It terrifies him because he doesn’t want to lose him.

And Kakashi realized he was mask-less when Iruka scooped some porridge, blew onto it gently before directing it to his closed mouth.

There it was. That begging eyes Kakashi swore to loathe.

_His soulmate._

“You’re still not allowed to take solid foods, so…” Iruka shrugged once Kakashi had taken the offered food.

Iruka continued to feed him as Kakashi’s eyes remained glued anywhere else except on his. Kakashi hated to admit it but this was the first time somebody ever fed him—well, some nurses did when he was incapable of doing so, but they’re just here for business, however, Iruka—oh god, Iruka. He’s here because—because what? Why was Iruka here? Shouldn’t he suppose to hate him?

Shouldn’t he supposed to ask him about the ANBU mask? About everything that’s both hurting them?

Kakashi wasn’t stupid. Iruka knew but why was he still here?

The jounin raised his hand slowly, every second his arm never failed to shake as Iruka observed his every movement silently with a straight face. When he successfully wrapped his wobbly fingers around his hand, Kakashi blinked away the pooling tears in his eyes.

_This goddamn left eye, always crying first._

He sometimes wondered why Obito was such as crybaby. His left eye always seemed to be connected to Obito so much that every little thing stung with this left eye, but he got to know why when Iruka looked at him. His soulmate.

_Obito always cried for Rin._

“Iruka… why?” He started, his left eye closed while his right one stared at Iruka. When all he received was silence, Kakashi continued, “Why are you…”

“Do you want to finish eating or skip to the talking?” Kakashi looked away, unable to process the cold yet calm gaze of the sensei.

“Iruka…”

“Look at me when you’re speaking,” Kakashi’s heart broke at the cold commanding tone, completely different from the loving one he’s used to.

Slowly, Kakashi looked up only to be greeted by Iruka’s serious face that was mixed with both disappointment and anger, that it made Kakashi feel so small and vulnerable.

_He hates him._

Suddenly, the hunger he felt was replaced with something unexplainable that’s quickly turning into anxiety.

Kakashi huffed softly and bit his lips. His wound throbbed a little, reminding him that if he made any unnecessary movement, he’ll bleed again. Like how his heart was already bleeding with confusion and want for the sensei in front of him.

He opened his mouth, tried to say something, anything to keep Iruka looking at him but nothing—not a word or an apology escaped his mouth, too dry and too frightened to fuck everything up. Iruka made him nervous. His presence alone was something Kakashi wasn’t worthy to receive, he knows that. Kakashi could also feel the anger slowly bubbling up from Iruka the more he remained quiet.

“I’m sorry…”

There. He had said it. He wanted to say more, he wanted to stand up and kneel before him if he could. And Kakashi waited. He waited for any response from the chunin. Kakashi would take anything.

“I’m sorry,” When he repeated it, he was a little breathless, but Iruka finally moved. His movements were calculated, face expressionless as Iruka puts the spoon back on to the bowl he held, ceramic hitting mahogany echoed throughout before a sigh was given to him.

Kakashi watched and waited patiently as Iruka bit his lips, both of hands came up to rub his face then ran them up to his messy hair. “Okay. I’ll get to the point,” Iruka started, hands now on his lap, rubbing his palm against the rough fabric of his pants, “you’re probably wondering about that mask—and I guess that apology’s about that mask,” Kakashi hated how Iruka sounded so confident but the pooling tears in his eyes completely said the opposite. He wanted to reach out but he let the chunin-sensei continue.

“I went to your apartment because I was instructed to bring in your belongings,” Iruka said a little too fast, his leg anxiously bouncing up and down. “I got there and I found—” Iruka casually opened the nightstand drawer and pulled out his _ANBU_ mask. All worn out and faded, a contrast to Iruka’s tan fingers. “This.” Iruka shook it a little, a small gesture that meant he _now knows._

“I grabbed it because guess what? This was my ANBU’s mask,” Kakashi observed how Iruka paused to run his fingers over the red markings on the side—and it sent shivers down Kakashi’s spine because of how delicate Iruka’s touches were.

_He was mad but gentle at the same time._

“You know, my soulmate? The one _I_ told you about…” Iruka’s voice cracked at the end followed by a sniff. The chunin-sensei blinked, brought his eyes up to meet his and Kakashi’s world crumbled at the sight of tears falling down those brown orbs he liked so much.

Kakashi never planned to interact with the person who took away his mask. He planned to despite the one he’s fated to.

Kakashi Hatake doesn’t love. Kakashi _doesn’t want_ a goddamn soulmate.

_But he wanted Iruka._

And he’s terrified because he might’ve just fucked up this chance that was given to him by the odds.

“Why do you look so nervous? Is it because I’m here?” Kakashi looked away once Iruka sat back, hand still up with the ANBU mask in between his fingers, twirling it around slowly, pushing it to Kakashi’s face that the truth was in Iruka’s hand, no more hiding. No more running away.

“Because your goddamn _curse_ is here beside you?” Another tear fell.

“I’m sorry,”

“Look at me when you’re apologizing!” Iruka’s voice boomed, loud and laced with hurt. He was standing now, eyes on him as Kakashi tried his best to speak up. To calm Iruka down but his side and left eye were hurting.

_Everything hurts._

Kakashi did his best to look up at him with one eye closed, not wanting to show how his Sharingan, that was probably spinning crazy right now because of the throbbing pain he’s feeling. “Iruka… let me—” He called out, desperate and weary but Iruka beats him to it.

“Let you what? Explain? Is there any more reason why you didn’t tell me? I’m your _curse_ right?! Your soulmate!” Iruka was shouting now, panting heavily with his brown eyes, which were streaming down tears after tears, mirrored sadness and anguish in them. So cold and yet so warm. “T-that you’ll let me be guessing forever whether my _soulmate_ wanted me or not?”

Kakashi remained quiet.

“I’ve _waited_ for you,” Iruka said, drawing out the middle painfully. His broken voice piercing into Kakashi’s already confused and broken heart. “Hoping that whoever my soulmate was, that ANBU would go to me and—and maybe,”

“Iruka—”

“I could take the rejection!” Iruka shouted and threw the mask on the bed, barely missing Kakashi’s feet. He was shaking badly, his hands balled into a fist, lower lip in between teeth as tears after tears poured down. “I could take rejection…” Iruka repeated, slowly this time and mixing in his sobs.

“It’ll be better if you rejected me rather than this—this hide and seek game you’re playing!” He walked near to the injured jounin, fist still curled in rage, and to be honest, Kakashi thought Iruka would hit him and Kakashi would’ve allowed him if it means to lessen the pain the sensei was experiencing.

_My soulmate, I’m…_

“You could’ve said something, anything! You left me wondering whether you’re alive or not! I could take the rejection, Kakashi! Your avoiding game only—only hurts more,” Every word was like a sharp kunai, impaling him in every hurtful way as possible with Kakashi accepting every single hit.

“It’s unfair…” Iruka started again after a few seconds of silence, Kakashi’s eyes stayed glued on him, heart-shattering by the second at every hiccup the other made. His Sharingan throbbed, the pain in his side wasn’t helping either. 

“You knew all along and you lied to me… It’s unfair,” Iruka stomped, balled fists came up to cover his eyes, crying like a kid in front of the jounin. “You’re not—you’re not the only one hurting… I am too…” His fists loosened, opening his palm to cover his face, hiding away every painful tears and sob that came out of him, every echo of hiccup sent an ache to Kakashi’s chest.

“I suffered also, Kakashi…”

The jounin blinked, surprised at Iruka’s words and the tear that dropped on his hand. Shaky and still a little weak, his hand went up to his left eye and was surprised to find it dry. It was his left eye that would always cry first, but now—now Kakashi could only look at Iruka as his right eye continued to water, each droplet followed by the other harshly as all the pain and realization dawned on him while watching Iruka whine before him. 

_It hurts._

Every bone and muscle in his body hurts, but Iruka’s cries pained him for he was to blame in all of this. His Iruka, his precious sensei.

_Why are soulmates so painful?_

“I wanted to find you, to reach out to you but all this time…” Iruka finally looked at him. Eyes brimming with tears and red at the rim, so cold and yet so warm at the same time, greeting Kakashi like he’s someone so welcome but uninvited.

“You ran away. You always do…”

“Iruka…” Kakashi had lost count on how many times he had uttered his name. Lost count of the times he kept thinking whether he was worthy to spill out that name in such a soft tone.

“Is this what you wanted?” Iruka cuts him off, crying eyes now hard as stone and it forced Kakashi to press his palm against his left eye- that was throbbing and releasing stream of tears.

_My soulmate, I’m…_

“Pushing away this so-called curse until I break down? Until one of us what?” Iruka’s voice was desperate, clinging, and hurting that all Kakashi could do was to stare in guilt.

He didn’t want it to be like this.

“Iruka, please just—” Kakashi pressed harder, his action made him dizzy.

“You don’t want your goddamn curse near you! You could’ve said no, and I would accept it wholeheartedly, Kakashi!”

“Iruka, listen first. I wasn’t—I was at ANBU and-”

Kakashi paused, cursing internally for he knew he had said something wrong—when will this pain end? When will their pain end?

“Oh? Because for an ANBU, finding a soulmate is a fucking curse because what? I made you feel pain?”

Kakashi felt like vomiting.

“That’s not it, Iruka!” Kakashi closed his eyes, body bowing down as the tears falling down his face was drowning him in sorrow and regret. He hated himself for even letting Iruka think of it that way. He hated himself for being like this. He hated how he could easily hurt anyone.

Of course. He was an ANBU, he was made to hurt.

_Were they only here to hurt?_

“Iruka, listen to me, please…”

Kakashi wanted to believe what Kushina said. That happiness would replace the pain but why, why does everything pained him?

First was his father- his happiness, his contentment. He left him with an empty house. Empty soul. The second was his team, the one he didn’t cherish enough until they were all gone. Third was his sensei—and then this. His soulmate. The one he should hate—the one who brought him weakness.

Iruka, who brought him a tiny hope that he refused to look at.

“I would gladly get away from someone who considered me like a goddamn fucking _curse_!”

“Stop saying curse! Stop it!” Kakashi shouted, shocking both him and Iruka. He didn’t mean to scream, didn’t mean to add more hurt but before he could react, Iruka grabbed Kakashi’s left wrist and yanked with little force that made him expose his whole face to Iruka.

Brown orbs immediately changed with regret once he was greeted with one gray and one red, spinning wildly with tears running down both eyes.

“You’re not a curse, Iruka…” Kakashi muttered, heart pounding violently against his chest. Iruka was staring at his eyes with his mouth agape. His gaze was so soft and so awed and Kakashi’s Sharingan had captured every expression the chunin gave.

The normal reaction from most people that saw his _borrowed_ Sharingan, they would be afraid and surprised, but Iruka, the chunin-sensei he just couldn’t seem to get off his mind, gawked at him as if his Sharingan was so worthy to look at, where all it does was to create fake illusions to kill. To bring pain to others and himself.

He wasn’t someone special. _Please, Iruka stop looking at me like I’m—_

“Please… please hear me out…” Kakashi begged, his voice went lower until the last part came out as a whisper. He couldn’t take it, Iruka’s sadness and anger were too much and for once, Kakashi wanted to be heard. In hopes Iruka would understand him.

_My soulmate, I’m sorry._

Iruka abruptly lets go of his wrist, Kakashi expecting him to step back and leave, but was utterly surprised when a soft, _warm_ hand covered his left eye, the tip of Iruka’s fingers slowly caressed his hair, soothing the pain of his eye.

_So warm and so comforting._

Kakashi wasn’t sure if he deserved any of this kindness Iruka kept showing. He should be punched or kicked, even Iruka’s mere presence shouldn’t be here with him.

He should be alone. As what he’s used to.

Iruka shouldn’t be here.

_But he was._

And Kakashi slowly closed his other eye and leaned into the warm hand, not minding the tears pooling within. At this point, he’ll accept anything from Iruka.

Anything from his soulmate.

“I was alone... and being an ANBU was all I had… being an ANBU made me feel alive, that somehow I could be a good use for something,” Kakashi sniffed, remembering the day he received his mask after he saw the blood of his teammate.

A shiny, porcelain mask glowed under the moonlight as he stared at it. _A curse_ ready to wear and forever hold the pain it’ll give. A _curse_ he’s ready to hide from.

Kakashi knew he would hurt Iruka further the more he tells about the truth, about himself, but it’ll make them free.

“And for me, this soulmate thing was a curse,”

“Why?” Iruka whispered and Kakashi glanced up at him. Both of them were calm now, both still releasing tears of frustrations and confusions but never once their gazes left each other. Kakashi knew the answer to Iruka’s question, he just prayed that the chunin won’t leave him.

_So selfish of him. Wanting more from Iruka._

“All the people I cared about died because of this so-called love and soulmates. I don’t want to be weak—I don’t want to end up like them – living in pain and dying in pain…” Kakashi brought his hand up slowly until his shaky hand covered Iruka’s. He grabbed hold of it, intertwining their fingers for a little before placing their locked fingers down on his lap, immediately missing the warmth on his face.

“Everything had already been taken away from me, why—why add more pain?” He continued, still keeping eye contact, afraid that if he looked away, Iruka would be gone.

_He doesn’t want him to go away._

His hold on Iruka’s hand tightened, his left eye throbbing along with his side but he went on. 

_Does he have the right to keep Iruka by his side?_

Memories of Kakashi cursing everything that moved while he couldn’t even take a single step entered his mind. Needles and pain relievers for six whole months drowning him just to push away _this_ scourging pain. He hated every moment of it, every second he wanted to die and kill anyone just so this pain could go away.

“This soulmate thing is a fucking curse.” He stated and painstakingly raised his other hand, hissed a little at the sudden movement but quickly regained himself.

Pale hands touched tawny cheeks.

“But you’re not. You aren’t a curse, Iruka. You are everything that’s good and I am ashamed for what I have done,” Kakashi said, lips trembling as he tried so hard to contain his tears but failed to do so. His eyes roamed to Iruka’s eyes, loving that brown orbs so much, then to the scar along his cheeks and nose, his lips, and then back to his eyes.

_My soulmate._

“I’m sorry, Iruka… I was left hurting and I didn’t realize that we both are,”

The warmth was suddenly gone and replaced with nothingness as Iruka slumped back on his seat, eyes stared into nothingness and Kakashi lowered his hands. His skin was still tingling, yearning for the warmness that only Iruka had. 

Now, Kakashi felt emptier than before.

“You didn’t… you didn’t want me,” Iruka started again after a couple of seconds, his gaze now down at his fidgeting fingers, his arms slumped down, clearly showing shame and hesitance. “You avoided me. You— you confuse me…”

“I’m sorry,” Kakashi answered back. “I did intend to avoid you, I admit. But I got to know you...” Kakashi leaned back on the headboard, tired eyes lingering on Iruka’s form. “You are so kind, Iruka-sensei. You saved me, an ANBU, from an attack. An ANBU not worthy of any help because we’re monsters that kill and need no saving, but… but you did. You didn’t waver.

He heard how Iruka’s breath hitched. Saw how his form relaxed a little bit and it somehow made Kakashi relieved. 

“You cared for Naruto when no one did, you… you’re so kind and I got scared because… because you’re everything that I’m not,”

Kakashi reminisced the day Iuka saved him. Brown, wide eyes painted with concern, running to a masked ANBU, not caring if he’ll hurt himself. He remembered Iruka’s pained scream, clutching onto himself as he was submerged in pain for the first time.

He remembered dazed eyes, still locked on him with worriedness as he quivered on the hard wooden roof in agony.

_Iruka was always worried._

And Kakashi concluded he had failed him for the chunin-sensei slowly stood up, his gaze obviously avoiding his as he cleaned up the bowl and some other stuff that needed to be cleared.

Kakashi just laid there, his left eye had, fortunately, stopped throbbing and also his side. But his chest still stung at every careful move Iruka made. Always so proper and gracious chunin-sensei.

Minutes felt like seconds because the next thing Kakashi knew, Iruka was headed for the door. The dreading thought that this might be the last time he’ll get to see and talk to Iruka came down on him.

Kakashi glanced up, saw Iruka’s back slowly inching away from him. Like how he saw Obito’s back before he was crushed. Minato-sensei assuring him before walking away and never coming back.

How he saw his father’s back fading away after he dropped him off the Academy, only later on he found out it’ll be the last time he’ll ever see his smile again.

All of them leaving him. All of them didn’t hear him call out for their names.

_But I wanted Iruka to stay._

“I never wanted a soulmate,” His voice rang through the room, pausing Iruka’s tracks.

Kakashi gulped, hope building up within because Iruka stopped.

_He’s listening._

And Kakashi prayed to whoever odds that that’s listening. Please. _Please._

“But then I got to know you…”

Kakashi heard the twist of the doorknob and then a soft click after.

 _“_ I have failed everyone.”

_But the idea of leaving this behind, it tears me apart_

~*~

Breathing in deeply, Kakashi Hatake looked over the village before him. The sun above laid a warm blanket over the village, coating the houses and people below with a light yellow color that screamed warmth and dryness. It has been a month and finally, Kakashi was out of the hospital. His side had completely healed but for now, he wasn’t allowed to take heavy missions.

His eye had also stopped aching, and his muscles were now all relaxed.

Except for the stinging pain in his chest whenever he thought of Iruka.

His soulmate. _The one he failed_.

If Kushina were here right now, she would’ve slapped the back of his head, reprimand him and then usher him to Iruka. But she wasn’t. No one was here to tell him what to do.

It’s all up to him. And he’s anxious.

Kakashi was a strong shinobi of Konoha, but when it comes to Iruka, it seemed like he couldn’t find any strength in him to face the chunin-sensei.

“Kakashi,” The said jounin turned to look at his left and saw Asuma. His friend and the Sandaime’s son. He gave a light nod and the other man continued, “Father has called for you,”

“Welcome back,” He greeted without looking at him. He knew Asuma would understand his actions and he need not to worry if he offended him in anyway. A chuckle from the young Sarutobi was what he got, a shaky hand landing on his shoulder in the process. “Good to be back,”

“How does it feel?” He asked as the wind blew lightly, his silver hair dancing along with the wind while his small fringes hit his face. “To find your soulmate?”

In the middle of his healing process, Asuma had found his soulmate. It was Kurenai, their childhood classmate. He sometimes wondered why they haven’t found out when they were kids but it wasn’t his business. They were assigned in a mission together, and fortunately, they found out when they’re a few feet away from the Konoha gates.

He visited Asuma once, still scared of going to the hospital alone.

Asuma was in so much pain back then, cursing at his every move but—but he has his siblings with him. His father by his side.

Kurenai was by his side, healing each other.

Now, both of them were okay and stronger than ever.

“Is it a curse?” He asked, gaze still glued to the buildings below, basking in the sight of a peaceful village before him. The hand on his shoulder tightened its grip, Kakashi felt somewhat comforting with his fellow jounin and friend beside him. 

“It’s for you to find out,”

Kakashi finally looked at Asuma, silver brow raised in confusion as Asuma laughed at him. “Happiness would make the pain go away, Hatake.”

-

Funny enough, after he had left the Hokage Tower, he became anxious. After eight months, he would be a jounin-sensei to a group of genins he doesn’t know yet. Kakashi wanted to object, reasoned out to the Hokage that he doesn’t work well with kids, heck he couldn’t even take care of himself, and just being handed the responsibility for three kids was too much for him.

But the Sandaime, ever pushing Sandaime doesn’t take ‘no’ for an answer.

After he was given that information, the Sandaime gave him a scroll because tomorrow he needed to leave for a short mission.

Kakashi just sighed once he had reached his apartment. Empty of anything that holds memories except for one ANBU mask that rested on his coffee table. With a sigh, he made his way to his room so he could pack up and leave earlier than intended.

The mission was easy. The journey took about two days, doing nothing but investigate a vigilante group roaming around a small village. He found nothing, sending the letter via his ninken, and got a reply in return asking him to go back.

Nothing much happened during his stay, he went on in hiding, eyeing anyone suspicious, eat a little, try to get some sleep, and then returned to surveillance the area because he couldn’t sleep for his mind kept wandering off to a certain chunin—hoping and wishing he was fine and happy.

_Hoping to see him again._

Iruka never left his mind. The regret would always be there and scenarios of _what-ifs_ kept replaying in his head, mocking him of the things he should’ve done but didn’t, of what he should be doing but wasn’t.

_Soulmates were a silly thing that could only hinder him._

Kakashi shook his head. What a fool he was. And forever would be if he didn’t— _didn’t do something._

-

After a week, he was finally a few meters away from Konoha. He was glad that his journey back was peaceful, with no missing-nin encounters. He was also happy when he got to see the big gates of Konoha, still intact, and no signs of danger happening.

Kakashi breathed it when the wind blew a little harshly. Spring was coming and he took note to bring a scarf next time. The wind blew again, his hair pushing back at the force and he heard the ends of his hitai-ate flapping against the wind.

The jounin was greeted by the usual shinobis guarding the gate. He gave a nod, confirmed his identity, and continued to walk through town.

Kakashi was well aware that he’s a little famous in town. Heard lots of gossips, both great and not, but this was the first time people were greeting him and then chuckling after.

It made him uneasy. His hand came up to touch the hem of his mask. Everything seemed to be intact, his mask was on, and his flak jacket was dirty but nothing worthy of laughter. He knew his pants weren’t ripped either so why does everyone look so happy?

Kakashi just sighed, looking up as the sun shone down on him. It was a perfect day, to be honest. The sun was shining brightly but not to the extent that it’s painful on his skin. Birds chirping, kids were playing outside, and the smell of various food wafted through the air as he walked by some stores.

Maybe the people around were just extra happy today. 

But as he reached the mission room to hand in his two hours late report, Kakashi’s world came to a halt.

There, sitting at his desk, brown hair tied in a ponytail and being illuminated by the sunlight coming through the window softly that created a soft halo around his head was Iruka. His hair was a little longer than before, his features still the same, eyes bright and wide as he talked to the shinobi before him.

_His soulmate._

Unconsciously, Kakashi’s feet moved and waited by Iruka’s line.

As he neared, he panicked.

What was he thinking? He was aware that they separated in bad terms, but now he wanted to approach him? To what? What would he gain by showing himself to Iruka after a month of not seeing each other? Was he here to show Iruka that he’s standing now, strong and ready to be the all mighty jounin he was—and his mind fluctuated when the man before him left and Iruka’s brown eyes greeted him, surprised as he was.

“Iruka…”

“Kakashi…”

Kakashi gulped, felt a little sweaty on his forehead. His hand was up, fingers ready to do a sign to flicker away but then paused when Iruka raised his hand.

A silent request to go near him and Kakashi lets him. Frozen on the spot, he watched as Iruka reached up to touch his hair briefly before the chunin retreated, his hand now held a small cherry blossom flower.

“You have uhm-” Iruka stuttered, cheeks painted pink, trying so hard to come up with any reason.

Kakashi gaped under his mask, swallowing hard. And before his brain could work, words had already escaped his mouth that, once again, shocked both of them.

“It’s for you.”

“Uhm… thank you?”

At this moment, Kakashi questioned himself and his ability. He was known as a genius at the age of six. He could take down lots of shinobis in just under half an hour. He had done a lot of infiltration missions that would put any ROOT members to shame but why—why now? Why was he acting all stupid and messy in front of Iruka?

_He used to be so cool._

“Kakashi-san?”

Kakashi couldn’t help but melt at the sight of those eyes looking up at him. Flashbacks of Iruka smiling at him came back. How they cleaned happily in Naruto’s apartment. How they drank until Iruka’s potty mouth appeared. Then memories of those same brown orbs he liked crying out tears of frustration and anger that were caused by him flashed back.

The jounin’s expression quickly dimmed, not noticing Iruka’s slightly worried looks directed on him.

“Kakashi-san, your report?”

And of course, Kakashi did what he was best at. He gave the report and left immediately. Through the window. With everyone looking at him.

~

He got the news from Kurenai about Iruka’s new job at the mission desk. They had met up after the awkward encounter with the chunin. Asuma saw him and invited him for a drink and that’s where he knew. Iruka was still a sensei though, continued on with teaching the kids about the Will of Fire while helping out shinobis in the mission desk.

Needless to say, Kakashi was dumbfounded at first, but quickly accepted it for he had encountered Iruka again two weeks later.

He had just done a small mission, something easy that only took him four days. This time thought, he was only an hour late in submitting his report.

The usual, he entered the mission room, breath got knocked out at the sight of Iruka, contemplated with himself a little more before he lined up at Iruka’s and waited. He felt nervous, feet tapping on the floor impatiently because not only does he held his report on his left, his right was also occupied by a lone, small purple hyacinth flower that he had plucked out when he passed by the Yamanaka’s.

Iruka greeted him with a smile as soon as he reached him, his smile wide but Kakashi wasn’t blind to know it wasn’t the usual genuine smile he gave out. Kakashi nodded and placed the report on Iruka’s awaiting hand along with the small flower.

Iruka paused, eyed glued on his palm, and Kakashi’s forehead became sweatier by the second. And before Iruka could utter any word, or even spare him a glance, Kakashi flickered away.

~

Flowers were a silly thing, and he grew up thinking that flowers were only given to the dead. It was something Kakashi knew that if he held flowers, he would be sad, grieving. But here he was, not feeling any of those emotions, and instead, he felt nervous.

Giving sneaky glances inside the shop, he considered buying something or maybe not. He’s conflicted, embarrassed to be exact because what would people think? An elite jounin in a flower shop looking like a teenager that’s unable to decide.

He had read about this actually, flower giving. In Icha-Icha. A book he discovered and instantly got hooked. In that book, the protagonist always gives their partner a flower, either for apologizing or saying I love you. He also saw his Minato-sensei giving Kushina flowers once upon a time.

Kakashi hated to admit but his sensei was a romantic. If only he was here, he would be able to help him. Maybe ask him to buy flowers in his position because there’s no way he would step inside—

But he remembered how that small cherry blossom looked on Iruka’s palm. How surprised the chunin was when he told him _reflexively_ that it’s for him. To this day, Kakashi cringes every time he remembered it, but now he had this urge to give Iruka flowers every damn time—proven because the second time he saw him, he gave him another flower.

This feeling he’s experiencing right now was pretty weird and Kakashi just wanted to flicker away and hide in his apartment. He had no idea who had given him the confidence for this.

Kakashi concluded this might be a bad idea. With a sigh, he glanced around the flower shop and before he could turn around, someone had already noticed him.

“Hatake?”

Kakashi winced, shoulders tightening when he recognized that voice. He slowly turned around, wanting the earth to swallow him and was greeted by Inoichi Yamanaka. The respected jounin was wearing an apron fit for his wife that Kakashi wanted to laugh, but stopped himself when the jounin smirked at him as if he had already read his mind.

_Damn it. Of course._

After the dreadful encounter, he had half a knowledge regarding flowers and he has one vase full of various flowers that he could give. Actually, he didn’t think through on how long he’s going to continue this little play he’s doing to Iruka, but the colorful flowers before him, that was resting on top of his coffee table, wasn’t a bad touch in his dull apartment.

So the third time he saw Iruka, a small daffodil was sticking out of the scroll he held as its stem was pinched between the rolls of his mission report. The yellow flower stood out against the boring color of the scroll.

Iruka blinked, eyes darted between him and the scroll, totally not expecting another flower.

And the usual, before Iruka could say something, Kakashi flickered away.

Well, Kakashi thought as he landed on a tree near the tower, at least he wasn’t climbing out of the window anymore.

~*~

Kakashi thought that, after weeks of going through missions and leaving small flowers to Iruka every time he returned, his life would somehow be peaceful and progressive. In between his free time, he continued to check on Naruto secretly. The boy’s apartment remained clean and fully stocked, and the boy looked so happy with his friends. He seemed to be doing fine at the Academy also, even if his grades weren’t the best, he knew Iruka would continue to guide him.

Fast forward, it had been two months since the gift giving had started. Not expecting this silly thing to continue, predicting that the sensei might file a complaint on him or something, but he didn’t. It brought relief to Kakashi’s system knowing that Iruka in some way liked the flowers?

The chunin sensei wasn’t rejecting it either- or maybe because he doesn’t give Iruka the time to talk before he cowardly flicker away.

And today wasn’t any different before. Kakashi had just finished a week long mission, a boring one to be exact since they still didn’t have any trail regarding the notorious group roaming around the world. He entered the mission room, eyes on him as always. A small pansy found purchase on his hand as well as the three hours late report.

Before he could fall in line, an ANBU suddenly appeared before him. He tilted his head, hid his hands behind his back. It was unusual to see an ANBU in a crowded room, let alone approach him. It had been years and Kakashi had a bad feeling when the ANBU signaled him to go to the Hokage’s office. He nodded sternly, eyes averting to the people around, who were looking at them, and landed on Iruka’s. Without a second thought, Kakashi flickered into thin air, flower already crumpled in his palm.

Kakashi knew it was serious, but not to this extent. How could he not notice the somber atmosphere around?

Kakashi eyes dropped on the floor, ears ringing and heart-pounding violently on his chest as the information repeated in his brain like a broken mantra.

_Uchiha Massacre._

The whole clan was assassinated, small children, elderly, everyone was gone and it had been done by the one and only Itachi Uchiha. It was devastating, made Kakashi want to vomit because his kohai, the one he had been with through rough times just did something unexplainable.

He quickly asked about Sasuke, Naruto’s friend, and was glad to know he had somehow made it alive but was thoroughly drained with whatever Itachi has done to him.

His comrade from his ANBU days. His teammate. How could he?

Essentially, since he was, in any other way, connected to Itachi, he was brought to interrogation whether he knew anything about Itachi’s plan, and after a whole day of being stuck in the T&I, he was finally given the clear but told to get ready for he might leave for a search party mission about Itachi’s whereabouts.

He wanted to say something, anything to delay his leave because everything just happened so fast. Kakashi was unable to process stuff—and oh, god Sasuke.

The time was now ten in the evening, the streets were empty and gloomy, and the area where the Uchiha Clan resided were already full of jounins that Kakashi wasn’t required to check it out. Actually, he doesn’t know if he even had the guts to check the place out.

It pained him to know that his kohai became someone else. It also pained him to know that as a senpai, he felt somewhat responsible. Itachi was a quiet child, always in his own world but he was kind. He deeply cared for his little brother, and he might not show it, but the Uchiha prodigy also cared for his comrades.

Oh god, Sasuke. Kakashi lowered his head and continued to walk. Poor child. He must be in shock. He couldn’t imagine what trauma Sasuke would get through knowing his brother just—his heart broke for the siblings.

For Obito’s clan.

What on earth was Itachi thinking?

He felt his hitai-ate getting wetter by the second, his left eye hurting and crying for the brothers.

_He had failed his teammate._

“Kakashi…”

His soulmate. Kakashi’s too occupied to notice Iruka was standing before him, book bag beside him as sad eyes glanced over him. Needless to say, that night as they walked quietly towards the hospital where they knew Sasuke resided, Kakashi’s uneasiness lessened with Iruka’s presence beside him.

And Iruka remained beside him when they entered Sasuke’s room, the poor boy was still unconscious and it made Kakashi remember himself—so weak and broken when his father left him.

After that, they left, but Iruka never left his side.

_His soulmate was very kind._

He stayed with him, unlike him who always run away. So brave and kind.

I have hurt you, Kakashi thought as he gave a quick glance at Iruka, but you’re here.

The jounin paused, the clouds above already too dark to even determine what time it was. It’s a bit chilly, the wind still in the tense atmosphere.

He stayed still, eyes following Iruka as he continued to take a few steps ahead before he stopped. Iruka turned around, eyebrow raised in confusion.

Kakashi sighed, soaking up the image of Iruka before him.

Under the dull streetlight, there Iruka stood. Still in his uniform and book bag, face looking a little tired. His hair was still intact with a few strands escaping its bounds, but not enough to not look presentable. It didn’t help at all with how Iruka was looking at him.

Kakashi was expecting cold eyes, disappointment leaking out of them for being such a fool. For lying to him, for even thinking that small flowers were enough to melt his heart.

_My soulmate, you look…_

But Iruka was so full of surprises.

He was both warm and cold.

“Iruka,” He started, feeling all fidgety once he realized that it’s their very first conversation with knowing that they’re soulmates, “Thank you for accompanying me,”

“No worries… I- I also wanted to check on Sasuke,”

Both of them nodded, eyes avoiding each other while Iruka scratched the back of his neck. Honestly, Kakashi doesn’t know what to do next. Iruka always make him speechless. He has this power where one look from him, Kakashi’s mouth would shut and his body would obey everything Iruka would say.

It has always been like that.

When he ran up to him during _that_ day, he froze on the spot, waiting for the chunin to do something that resulted in them finding one another. Or when Iruka reached out to him, he froze and waited for the chunin to fish out the leaf from his hair.

Or when Iruka asked for him the truth, he froze but he did tell the truth.

“Kakashi-san,”

“Hm?” Their gazes met again and Iruka continued.

“Everything might be in shambles right now but—”

“Iruka, I wanted to say I’m sorry,” Kakashi thought, one apology just wasn’t enough. It’s for those times he had taken advantage of knowing who Iruka was, “No apologies could erase the pain that I have caused you,” It’s for that moment he decided to blame his soulmate for everything. For pointing fingers, for being an ignorant fool.

“But I still wanted to say I’m sorry… for everything,” _For being Iruka’s soulmate._

A pregnant silence covered the both of them, Iruka’s eyes were unreadable, always unreachable so Kakashi did what he was best at.

“Kaka—”

“See you, sensei,” And this time, instead of flickering away, he turned around and walked away.

Walked away with a lingering question in his mind.

_My soulmate, why do you look sad?_

~*~

Kakashi woke up with his usual routine. Make coffee, eat something available in his fridge- only to find oranges. Do some exercises, clean, and then pack his stuff.

Unfortunately, he hadn’t got enough sleep last night, his mind too occupied with the thoughts of Iruka, Sasuke, and Naruto.

All those people he found _important_ in his life. He had been thinking if what he's doing was enough, if he was enough for them but he just couldn’t seem to find any reason to agree with himself.

Kakashi doesn’t care about soulmates. He doesn’t like the thought of the pain it comes with finding your soulmate, it won’t fix broken bones and open wounds but—

But he cared a lot for Iruka.

And he couldn’t forgive himself for what he had done.

After the sleepless night, Kakashi rose to his bed when a hawk tapped his window. It was from the Hokage. Their Intel had already gathered information about Itachi’s whereabouts and a team was already sent yesterday after the devastating event. And now, the Hokage needed Kakashi to follow them in order to capture Itachi. They would be leaving tonight, just enough time for Kakashi to replenish himself and his tools.

After an hour of looking for his stuff and cleaning his apartment, Kakashi stood before a mirror, looking at himself with uncertainty in his eyes.

He’s wearing it again. His ANBU uniform.

It’s a little snug on his body, considering he grew a few muscles here, but it still looked intimidating. Kakashi raised his right hand that held his ANBU mask.

Who would’ve thought that he would be able to wear this again? Hide his face one more time and experience bloodshed again but this time with him being able to feel physical pain.

Was he ready for this? Would he be careful enough not to surrender in pain when experienced?

He had a love and hate relationship with this mask. It gave him solace at the same time conflict with himself.

Then he remembered Iruka.

He was still hurting when Iruka threw the mask away, but who was he to complain? It wasn’t compared to what he had done to the chunin.

Kakashi lets out a breath and puts his mask on.

Before him was someone Kakashi knew but not so much. Cold feature of the mask barked at him silently, waiting to be used as a cover, somehow mocking him as the faint color of his left eye could be seen through the slits.

He was Hound again.

He walked out of his room, every step he made his armor clinked with one another, a faint reminder that he’s wearing that for Konoha again. For Sasuke.

Once he reached his living room where all his packs and scrolls were, his eyes caught the sight of his vase full of dying flowers. Sadly, he won’t be able to use them now.

He grabbed the flowers, thinking if he should just throw the flowers he bought or keep them in their vase. He doesn’t know when he’ll return home, and he doesn’t have anyone to give them to, well there was one but after yesterday night, he might not be able to anymore.

_But he wanted to give it to him._

So instead, he walked towards the kitchen with the flowers in his hand, ready to throw them out until a small purple aster flower caught his attention.

It was still fresh, somehow, a little decayed on the side but was still clinging. Still alive and vibrant.

The _ANBU_ huffed and plucked the small flower out and threw away the rest.

Before leaving, he grabbed one of his overly used Icha-Icha book, took note to buy the other series for he’s nearing done with this one. He puts the small aster in between the open pages before closing it and tucking the book away in his pouch.

~*~

_If this is love_ _, why does it break me down?  
Why do you break me down?_

Iruka had a hard time sleeping after. That apology was uncalled for. Honestly, he doesn’t know what to feel about it. It has been months since he had caught a glimpse of Kakashi. And it has been months since they’ve spoken. Iruka honestly thought it might be last but—but then of course.

_Kakashi was so full of surprises._

There was the flower incident. He had questioned himself why he had grabbed that flower, and why did Kakashi let him be near him so easily? They weren’t supposed to be like this, they shouldn’t be acting so casual like what happened in the hospital room doesn’t exist.

Iruka expected awkwardness but it seemed like the jounin had this power in him, that the moment he appeared, Iruka became stupid. His heat started to drum violently against his ribcage, his stomach doing some flips.

And then Kakashi told him the small flower was for him.

He accepted the lone cherry blossom, and the flower giving continued.

Iruka was confused at first, wondering if the flower-giving was some kind of joke Kakashi was doing, but then he gave him another flower, saw how the jounin’s cheeks were flushed. And since then, every time he came home from a mission, Kakashi never failed to attach a flower to every scroll.

Admittedly, he liked the small flowers. It was sweet and very much not like the joinin.

Of course, Kakashi’s actions had consequences. His friends, Izumo and Kotetsu, had the first seat view of Kakashi’s weird antics of giving him flowers, which resulted in him telling them that Kakashi was his soulmate. Both of his friends celebrated, excited, and happy for him that he finally found his ANBU, but of course.

Iruka released a sigh as he turned to his left, the sheets on his bed loosening at the force of his action.

An unfortunate thing happened in Konoha and Iruka was worried as hell for Sasuke’s well-being. Good thing, no news yet had spread through his class, but to his surprise, Naruto already knew. The kids were worried, anxious for his friend that Iruka decided to check on the young Uchiha, hoping to get a glimpse so he could tell Naruto that he need not worry for his friend.

But then he ran into Kakashi, who looked equally as broken as Naruto.

Maybe it’s how Kakashi’s lone eye had somehow looked at him hopefully that Iruka decided to accompany him. Silently pleading him to stay, so he did.

They walked towards the hospital, silence covered both of them and Iruka’s heart ached every time their knuckles would brush and Kakashi would move away a little.

It pained him to see Sasuke at his current state, but it somehow stung more when he couldn’t even reach for Kakashi’s shoulder to offer him a little comfort.

He was still angry at everything. Hurting from the pain Kakashi caused, from every moment he was treated like a fool, but Iruka knew, Kakashi didn’t mean it.

_They were both in pain._

And Iruka had forgiven him the moment Kakashi opened his eyes at the hospital.

The jounin was right about how his apologies weren’t enough for the things he had done but—“Ah!” Iruka closed his eyes, pressed his scrunched up face on his pillow, still unable to decide if he should confront Kakashi and end this—this game they’re playing and just be friends.

And see if it would go somewhere.

Morning came a little later on, Iruka got barely any sleep, mind too occupied to even shut down for a moment. He got up in his usual routine, and since it’s a weekend, he’s only needed at the mission desk.

The whole afternoon was dull, slow even, but Iruka tried his best not to yawn as he handed and accepted missions from various shinobis. The atmosphere around was still tense, people were still afraid to go outside and Iruka was worried about a certain jounin that didn’t even hear him out last night.

He wanted to say something, anything but he just let Kakashi walk away. Like how he used too.

He wanted to ask more questions regarding if he was doing okay, if he was injured or such but—

Iruka sighed tiredly, running his hands over his face and down his neck. The time was nine in the evening. He had skipped dinner again for he was busy submerging himself to work because he didn’t want to think about a certain jounin right now. Plus, his home felt a little lonely at times now that Naruto always hangs out with the Nara family.

He quickly stood up and gathered the collected scrolls. He gave his nod to his colleagues as he cleaned his desk and made his way to the Hokage’s office. His stomach grumbled on his way up, mouth already watering when he thought of going to Ichiraku’s. Might as well treat himself if he would be alone tonight.

_I wonder if Kakashi’s…_

He knocked twice on the door before it was opened by an ANBU. He gave a slight nod then bowed to the Hokage, who was standing in the middle of the room with his pipe in hand. “Hokage-sama… I brought the A-rank scrolls for today,”

“Come in Iruka,” The Sandaime instructed, one hand behind and the other up near his mouth. His eyes, weary and wrinkled, went to the ANBU before him. “You may go upstairs. I’ll just talk to Iruka,” Without any further action, the ANBU flickered away.

Iruka was still amazed at how quiet the ANBUs where. He didn’t even detect their chakra on his way up.

He casually walked towards near the desk, passing the Hokage who stood still, and dropped all the scrolls on the chair beside. Iruka was about to open his mouth and say something when his eyes caught an open scroll on the desk.

Now, Iruka wasn’t a nosy person. He rarely reads any file he knew might be confidential that’s why the Hokage trusts him enough to handle any high-rank mission scrolls. He was loyal to Konoha, trustworthy, and quiet. Iruka would never ever betray Konoha, let alone snoop around private stuff.

But something caught his eyes.

It was Kakashi’s file.

But his picture—he was wearing his ANBU uniform.

_His ANBU._

**Hound.**

“Can you do me a favor and clean those files? Those are the information of people who’re going after Itachi and this so-called Akatsuki,” Iruka had heard of it. The vigilante group that Konoha had been monitoring since last month. He heard they were a group of very dangerous people and—Iruka paled. The Hokage’s words ringing in his ears.

_His ANBU._

“Well, I’m off to the rooftop to bid them off. You can…” The Hokage started to walk off, Iruka’s gaze never once left the picture of Hound.

“You can clean that up later,”

He didn’t know how long he stood there. Seconds? Minutes? He wasn’t sure.

But what he was sure of was that Hound. His soulmate. Would go on a very dangerous mission and—and Iruka doesn’t want—

Iruka breathed in, eyes pooling with tears as the idea of not seeing Kakashi anymore drained him. He doesn’t want that. No.

No.

Stumbling on his own feet, Iruka ran towards the door and left for upstairs. Not caring if another ANBU was following, not caring if he made a mess in the Hokage’s office.

He just needed to reach him.

Then Kakashi’s one eyed smile appeared before him. How those same eyes that held empty grey holes had life in them whenever he talked about Naruto. How he flustered every moment Iruka was near. How Kakashi’s eyes shed tears—unkempt hair and his Sharingan spun slowly as he poured out the truth to Iruka.

_His soulmate._

_My ANBU._

How Kakashi had wondered why he would save an ANBU. How Kakashi looked with the sun behind him, like a spotlight made for him so Iruka could see how breathtaking he was, how attractive and genuine he was. Iruka was hurt, and also Kakashi.

Iruka knew the definition of love, and what it could do and bring. For him, love was his soulmate. His home. His—

Iruka panted, stopped dead on his tracks as an ANBU held onto his arms, forbidding him to go further into the rooftop.

Six pairs of eyes landed on him, the other four covered in porcelain masks. Embarrassment quickly rose up within Iruka, cheeks painted red, but then his gaze landed on his ANBU’s mask.

_My Hound._

The ANBU who held him suddenly lets him go, with him stumbling a little at the loss of balance.

The Hokage cleared his throat, nodded at the group of ANBUs before they all dispersed, even the one beside him—except Hound. He stayed at the edge of the railings, unreadable eyes on him as the Hokage walked towards him.

“Go on, Iruka.” The Sandaime spoke through the pipe on his mouth before passing by him and down the stairs, leaving him and Hound alone.

Iruka took a step forward, watched as Hound remained crouched at the railings, his posture stiff and strong. He took another step until he was face to face with Hound.

_His soulmate._

Iruka never wanted to hurt but he’s willing to be complete with his soulmate.

“Hound…” As he spoke, he heard his breath hitch.

Silver hair glowed underneath the moonlight, his locks gently danced against the soft wind, and Iruka wanted to run his fingers through but—Iruka huffed, tears falling from his eye.

“It’s not easy to forget the past,” Iruka cautiously raised his hand, observing if Hound would move away but he didn’t. “The pain we gave each other.”

Iruka could see a faint red through the slits.

“But I forgave you. The moment you called out my name at the hospital, I forgave you…” His hand touched worn-out mask, the porcelain cold in his hand but at the same time radiated warmth from Hound.

_My soulmate._

“Let’s start once again, huh?” He sniffed, tears already trailing down uncontrollably and if it wasn’t for the mask, he would’ve seen his Hound crying also. He pulled themselves together, uncaring of the watching eyes around them because what mattered right now was them.

_The fated ones._

“As Iruka and Kakashi…”

“Thank you…” Hound replied, his voice cracked at the end. Iruka chuckled a little, pressed their forehead together and sound of metal hitting porcelain resounded through the quiet night.

He looked through the slits, finding comfort at the soft glow of his Sharingan.

_“Come back home, soon,”_

And Iruka watched as the night slowly darkened, his Hound already off and his hand holding a small, pressed aster flower.

_Even though it hurts in this moment_ __  
I've always known it  
You're the other half of my broken heart

~*~*~*~

Iruka exhaled noisily, cracked his neck to the left, and groaned once the pain had started to accumulate. He hissed before releasing a sigh again. It has been a busy day. The kids were extra rowdy earlier and there was lots of paperwork that needed to be done. His students, specifically Naruto’s class, would be graduating soon and would become a genin but the boy still needed practice.

The past few days he had been helping Naruto, going to the missions desk, grading papers, helping the Hokage occasionally, and then teaching. It had been a busy and stressful month that all Iruka wanted to do was bury himself in an Onsen.

It had also been a month since he had last seen Kakashi. Was he worried? Of course, he was. Was he nervous about Kakashi’s return? Of course. But he needed to be strong. He needed to man up and take whatever news he could get.

He just hoped that Kakashi would be fine.

Iruka was hesitant to ask the Hokage for any news regarding Kakashi, because one it’s embarrassing, two it’s because he’s a chunin and he doesn’t really have the right to know sensitive information. But the Hokage did say something and it’s enough to ease Iruka’s mind.

_Kakashi’s doing fine._

At least it’s better than dead.

Sasuke had recovered and was attending school again, though his attitude towards his friends got more distant that’s why he tried his best to always talk to him, even though he gets ignored by the second. Naruto was also trying but the young Uchiha was still drowning in his own world.

Iruka dropped his head on the said papers, head getting a little dizzy at all the nonsense his students kept writing on their essays. Really, it’s easy. They just needed to write their opinion regarding the ruling of the First Hokage.

Iruka decided he had enough. He wanted to get out of this stuffy room before he throws away these papers. He grabbed them one by one, patting the sides so they could all be piled up neatly.

But then a gentle wind entered the room, Iruka shivering slightly as his gaze went to the open window. He paused, looked outside a little longer before sighing.

_Come home soon._

~

Good thing that it’s a weekend the next day, Iruka had spent the entire morning slumped down on his coach, the TV on, and two instant ramen in his lap. When it was afternoon, that was where he started to move for it was now time for him to go to Naruto’s apartment and clean.

Iruka was always amazed at how Naruto could wreck his apartment in a span of five days. That kid sure has a lot of energy. And instant ramen.

H went first to the grocery, bought some stuff for him, and for Naruto, took note to replace the milk in Naruto’s fridge that always seemed to expire too soon. After that, he was now in the kid’s apartment. Naruto was aware of his weekly visits, the kid had thanked him and hugged him for a minute and it only fueled Iruka to take care of the boy more.

Naruto had offered to help, said he was embarrassed that his ‘Iruka-niichan’ was cleaning his house, but Iruka dismissed him, saying he could handle it on his own and because his brain was gooey for Naruto just called him ‘niichan’.

Naruto as probably at the Akimichi. That boy found solace with Shikamaru and Choji. Iruka was just thankful that their parents weren’t like the others who disliked the boy.

Iruka huffed, hands on his hips as he scanned the messy room.

Time to get to work.

He cleaned the dishes first, surprised that it was lesser this time. After that, he puts the perishables in their respective places. After a while of cleaning his room, Iruka found himself taken aback when a thud resounded through the window. He ran towards the kitchen area, broom in hand, and ready to beat whoever it was.

And before he could register that familiar chakra, Iruka’s heart jumped out of his chest, eyes wide and mouth released a little squeak.

In an instant, his cheeks heat up. Lips tight and shut as he looked at the man in front of him.

There Kakashi stood, in his usual jounin uniform, looking fresh and a little tired but his eyes said so otherwise. Iruka wanted to run to him, hug him and welcome him home but that thing that shocked him the most was the bouquet the other was holding.

There was a mix of red tulips, baby’s breath, red roses, and others that Iruka didn’t know existed.

“Hey…”

“Hey,” Iruka muttered breathlessly, his grip on the broom tightening as Kakashi stepped forward.

Even with his mask still on, he looked so handsome.

His soulmate.

His _prince charming with a bouquet of flowers._

Iruka laughed, broom dropping on the ground as he covered his mouth. He remembered clearly that he shouldn’t be expecting his soulmate to be like a prince charming, coming up to him with a bouquet in his hands. But here was Kakashi.

Kakashi was really full of surprises.

“I’m home,” And when Kakashi pulled down his mask to smile genuinely at him. Iruka couldn’t ask for more.

His soulmate was home and it’s only their beginning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yey you made it! You made it at the end i'm so glad i could cry.  
> I wanted to say thank you first to **IonFusion** for helping me out through the writing process. They didn't want to be spoiled but they still helped me eheh :D  
> Thank you also for everyone who stayed, waited, and read this story. You bring such joy to me so I thank you. You are all awesome!  
> i admit, i had a hard time writing the angsty part but I still thank u that you all read through that :D  
> again, thank u, this was a lovely AU and i don't mind writing more :D 
> 
> Thank u and luv u all ;A; <3
> 
> **might make an epilogue oopsx can't promise lol**

**Author's Note:**

> [killing me to love you - vancouver sleep clinic](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ASu8C78KhKM)
> 
>   
> [my tumblr](https://mytsukkishine.tumblr.com/)  
> 


End file.
